


"12 Days and a Year" [MSTing]

by MSTerMegane67



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000, Street Fighter
Genre: MST, MST3k-Style Riffing, MSTing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-15 21:51:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 26,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10558274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MSTerMegane67/pseuds/MSTerMegane67
Summary: They thought Bison was dead... but then somebody... inserted another quarter. Just in time for Halloween, Joel and the bots tackle their first Street Fighter fanfic about the rebirth of the Shadaloo... or is it Shadolaw? Wait, now it's Shadoloo? Well, anyway, the rebirth of... y'know, those girl soldier dolls that hang around that M. Bison creep? Can Cammy, Chun-Li and Guile figure out what's going on in time and save the day? Or is it... GAAAAME... OVAHHHHH!!!





	1. Chapter 1

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*  
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

 

(The future isn't what it used to be...)

 

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE)

EPISODE 50: 12 MONTHS AND A YEAR PT. 1

(A Street Fighter MSTing)

MSTed From the Desks of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz  
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.  
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment  
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or  
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be  
inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc.  
are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc.  
Just covering our collective asses here folks...

"Street Fighter" is the property of Capcom and all the   
distributors of their work.

"12 Months and a Year" is the property of sske. We attempted to  
contact the author by e-mail but there was no reply and we sincerely  
hope they don't take offence to this MSTing of their work. It's all meant  
in good fun. ;p

Warning: This fanfic contains mature content, adult language and scenes  
of extreme violence.

 

* * *

 

THE HOLOCABANA

A Halloween party was in full swing as 'The Monster Mash' played in the  
background while party-goers dressed in a variety of costumes mingled  
and/or danced to the music. Just then, a familiar figure with slicked back  
hair walked up to Cambot, dressed in a gray suit with a red bow tie.

"Good evening, boys and girls! My name's Pee-wee. Heard any good   
riffs lately?" Joel Robinson exclaimed before following with his best  
impression of Pee-Wee's trademark chuckle. "Welcome to a very special  
episode of a... Halloween special episode! Starring... Me! Pee-wee  
Herman! And...!"

Cambot panned over to Tom Servo wearing a purple dress with gold  
and white highlights along the bottom. His face was painted a fresh  
human-y pink and a long blond ponytail flowed from the top of his head,  
held on by a purple scrunchie. A small guitar was taped to the front of his  
dress with the name 'Carol' written across it. Upon noticing Cambot, Tom  
quipped.

"Hi, this is Marzipan, I'm busy sampling the cheese hors d'oeuvres  
right now, but if you'd like to leave a message, prank call or creepy  
stalker message, please wait for the beep and I'll get back to you,  
ignore you or file yet another restraining order against Coach Z.   
Thank you and remember to protest something every day!"

"Also starring... George Bernard Shaw!" Joel gestured to Crow T.  
Robot, who was wearing a white wig, long fake white beard and black  
suit. "Please, call me Bernard. I insist." Crow replied in an old  
man's voice. 

"And please welcome the always lovely... Elvira!" Joel continued as  
Cambot focused on Gypsy, wearing a gothic black dress, rubber gag  
cleavage, white face paint and a tall black wig. "Hello darlings, it's me,  
Elvira, Mistress of the Dark! The gal who brings the ha-ha's while  
shaking her ta-ta's!" Gypsy exclaimed with a giggle as she wiggled  
her gag cleavage around.

"Now let's find out what today's secret word is!" Joel exclaimed as  
he skipped over to Crow. "Hey Conky! What's today's secret word!?" 

"Hmm?" Crow slowly turned to face Joel and replied in a deliberately  
pretentious tone of voice. "Oh, yes, the word... let's see... today's  
secret word is... ah yes, pulchritudinous."

"Pulchrit... what?" Joel replied, confused.

"Pulchritudinous. Look it up, won't you?" Crow replied haughtily  
before waving his hand dismissively and looking away."

"Uh, okay, you all remember what to do whenever anybody says the  
secret word right?" Joel asked the room.

"SCREAM!" The party-goers shouted together.

"That's right! For the rest of the day, whenever anybody says the  
secret word, scream real loud. Ready? Let's try it. Oh, Elvira..." 

"Yes, Joe... I mean, Pee-Wee!" Gypsy replied on cue.

"Could you dunk Crow's head into the cheese dip for being  
a Randy?"

"With pleasure, Pee-Wee!" Gypsy cackled as she rushed over to  
Crow, grabbed him by the back of his collar and lifted him off the  
floor. "What is this!? I am Bernard Shaw and you can't do   
thi...BLUUUSGHH!!" Crow tried to scream as Gypsy forced his  
head into the cheese dip.

"Hey, I was about to sample that!" Tom whined as Gypsy lifted  
Crow's head out of the dip and Crow could only sputter indignantly.

"Now, THAT was Pulchritudinous. AHHHHHHHH!!!" Joel  
screamed with the rest of the crowd as bells rang out on cue.   
Suddenly the lights in the Holocabana began to flash red. "Uh-oh,  
looks like we'll have to ditch this party for a bit, gang, Garfield  
and Odie are calling..."

 

* * *

 

DEEP 13

"Oh, good. Daft Punk and Cluless have graced us with their  
presence." Dr. Clayton Forrester said as he smirked into the camera.   
He was currently dressed in a white lab coat with red tie and was  
wearing a bald cap with grey hair jutting out the sides. His mustache  
had also been dyed grey.

"And a happy Samhain to you too, Dr. Wily. Uh, wow, that's a lot  
of candy..." Joel couldn't help noticing.

Dr. Forrester sighed and rubbed his face as he stood in front  
of the monitor, surrounded by several large metal bowls of Halloween  
candy. "Don't get me started... Frank always spends his entire  
month's pay for October on candy in preparation for Halloween... but  
since we get almost NO trick or treaters, he ends up eating it all for   
himself..."

"Hey, give me a break!" TV's Frank replied as he walked in from  
off-camera. He was dressed in a black jacket with a white long  
sleeved shirt, gray pants and brown shoes. An old-fashioned  
Polaroid camera hung around his neck with a strap.

"Halloween is one of the few times I can buy a ton of candy  
and not be judged by everyone as just another Sugar Fatty. And if  
kids decide not to trick or trick at our door, then it's my civic duty  
not to let the leftover candy go to waste! I don't just eat candy  
for myself, I eat it for the kids starving in Japan! That's the  
AMERICAN way!" Frank exclaimed as he struck a heroic pose  
between the bowls of candy.

"Well, you COULD always give some leftovers to a homeless  
shelter for kids or something..." Joel pointed out.

Frank stared aghast at Joel. "What are you, nuts? If I did  
that, they'd expect me to do it EVERY year! Besides, who in their  
right mind gives out free candy to CHILDREN? That's just creepy  
and weird!"

"Speaking of creepy and weird, who are you supposed to be  
again?" Dr. Forrester interrupted

"Why, I'm Video Game's Frank West! The original, not the  
new one!" Frank quickly added. "I'm a photojournalist ready to  
kick some zombie butt... you know, as soon as one stumbles by  
trick or treating..."

"Rrrright... well, "Frank", why don't you go get the invention  
while I see what the peanut gallery have come up with this  
week... Joel?"

 

* * *

 

SATELLITE OF LOVE

"If anybody should've dressed as Frank West, it should've  
been one of us. We've covered 'The War' by M. Llave, you  
know?" Crow wisecracked.

"Nice." Joel chuckled as he reached under the counter and  
placed a handful of coloured pills on the counter top next to a  
glass of water. "Okay sirs, I came up with this invention for  
cosplayers, party goers and people who just like to change their  
hair colour often but don't have the time or money to buy hair  
dye or schedule expensive salon treatments. It's a pill that  
lets you naturally grow out your hair in any colour you want.  
Allow me to demonstrate..." 

Joel picked up a blond coloured pill, popped it in his  
mouth and swallowed it with a sip of water. "Normally, this  
process takes about a month or so to work but through the  
magic of fanfiction... Volia, it's done!" Tom exclaimed as  
Joel's hair was suddenly a rich blond colour. "Check Joel  
out, I'll bet he's having more fun already!"

"I sure am! And with these pills, you can not only  
save money, but minimize damage to your hair since you won't  
need bleach any more. Right now each pill can only give  
your hair one solid colour, but we're hoping to add  
multicoloured options by adjusting the dosage, assuming  
we can get funding for test subjects. What'da thinks,  
sirs?" Joel finished.

"Interesting... but are there any side-effects?" Dr.  
Forrester inquired.

"Well... kinda." Joel suddenly blushed. "The pills don't  
just change the colour of the hair on your head... it...  
umm... affects ALL of your body hair...

"Ah... so now the drapes..." Dr. Forrester started.

"...match the carpet, among other things." Joel finished  
with a sigh.

 

* * *

 

DEEP 13

Dr. Forrester chuckled. "Well Joel, maybe you should SHAVE  
that invention for later or just WEAVE it to the professionals."   
Joel and the bots groaned as Dr. Forrester continued without  
missing a beat. 

"Anyhoo, my invention this week finally grants a grain of  
truth to the long held myth that people put dangerous items in  
Halloween candy... it's a trick AND a treat with an oh-so-sweet  
twist!" Dr. Forrester cackled as Frank wheeled in a table tray  
with several items on it.

"As you can see, I pilfered select pieces of Frank's candy and  
made a few... adjustments. We've got a chocolate bar here stuffed  
with a black liquorice razor blade... a package of gummy bears now  
covered in broken sugar glass... a caramel apple filled with hidden  
nougat needles AND tapioca toothpicks. And I even had time to  
make... Peanut Butter Cups with Pocky!"

Joel and the bots looked at each other. "What's so bad about  
that?"

"Green Tea Pocky." Dr. Forrester replied with an evil smile.

"You SICK MONSTER!" Tom exclaimed, outraged, while Crow  
and Joel attempted to hold him back. Meanwhile, Dr. Forrester  
chuckled to himself. 

"Yes, soon children of all ages will once again fear the candy  
man... I'll be an angel to parents and a devil to the dentists of  
the world... at least until they bribe me to take my candy off the  
market... BWAHAHAHAHA!!!" Dr. Forrester laughed while  
holding up a fist triumphantly in the air.

"You really think the Mega MAN won't bust you for tampering  
with kid's candy?" Crow retorted.

"Oh please! They'll never find out! When was the last time a  
cop asked you to 'Show me your candy!" Dr. Forrester fired back  
with a sly grin. 

"Dr. F... you have hit a new low." Joel shook his head in  
disgust. 

"Thank you, Joel, that means a lot. I could discuss hair care  
and tainted candy all day but I think it's time we got on with this  
week's experiment, wouldn't you say?"

"Would it matter if we said no?" Crow muttered.

"Not a whit. This week, I've decided to reward you with a trip  
to beautiful sunny Capcom and the gang of miscreants from 'Street  
Fighter'. This fanfic invokes the three R's of bad fanfiction.   
Repetition, repetition, and repetition. Better yet, it comes  
with another R! Repetition! BWAHAHAHA!!!" Dr. Forrester  
laughed as Joel and the bots exchanged nervous glances. 

"Oh yes, and it also contains plenty of brainwashing, so feel  
free to let that rub off on you cause hey, it makes my job that much  
easier." Dr. Forrester smirked. "It's '12 Months and a Year', and  
believe me, you'll wish it only felt THAT long. Send 'em the fanfic,  
Frank..."

"Om nom nom... Mmm? MMMPH!" Frank quickly replied  
with a mouthful of caramel as he rushed over to the console and  
fed the fanfic into the machine as Dr. Forrester sighed and shook  
his head.

 

* * *

 

SATELLITE OF LOVE

"Candy glass and tapioca toothpicks I can forgive, but Green  
Tea Pocky with PEANUT BUTTER!? That's just... unforgivable!"   
Tom growled.

"Don't let him get to you, Tommy. Save that energy for the  
fanfic." Joel suggested.

"So we're finally doing Street Fighter, huh? Oh man, I hope  
this thing doesn't star Ryu, he is so BORRRING!"

"Unless he's evil." Tom added.

"Yeah, how sad is that?" Crow replied as multicoloured lights  
flashed and alarms began to wail.

"Ohh, we've got FANFIC SIGN!!" Joel cried out.

 

(Door 6: It's a bathroom stall door with writing on it. It says  
"THERE WAS A TOILET HERE, IT'S GONE NOW. You frown and hold  
your nose as you pass through it.)

(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator with an eerie green glow  
coming from it. Both sets of doors open for you but just before  
you can step on it, it suddely drops down at a frightening speed.   
A few moments later, you hear a loud crashing noise and terrified  
screams of people. You manage to jump over the shaft hole and  
continue on.)

(Door 4: It's made of loose teeth. You quickly grab all the  
pillows you can find, sweep the teeth into a pile and throw the  
pillows over them in hopes of a giant payday from the tooth  
fairy.

(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed animals. That is to say,  
REAL cute stuffed animals. You shudder and do your best not to  
touch them with your hands as you move on.)

(Door 2. It's made of black tar. The smell nearly overwhelms you  
as Johnathan Frakes face briefly emerges from it, his mouth open   
in a silent scream before sinking back in. Then an Ankh floats  
from behind you and touches the tar door. It vanishes as you  
hear a child's laughter in the distance.)

(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling,  
revealing a drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground.   
Suddenly a guy dressed as a knight shoves past you, nearly  
knocking you into the moat where a tentacled monster start  
to rise. You quickly hit up on your joystick and then right  
to quickly cross the drawbridge before it can get you and you  
are rewarded with a fanfare of trumpets.)

(Door .7: It's a swirling orange vortex. Suddenly a large furry  
hand reaches out of its center, pets you on the head and calls  
you George before pulling you inside.)

Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in  
his arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.  
Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the  
theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater  
seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.

Tom: Okay, that was... weird.

Joel: Still, nice effects, Crow. Good job!

Crow: Uh... yeah... I... totally did that... sure.

 

>*12 months and a year*  
>By: sske 

Tom: Ah, the bloated sequel to six minutes and a second.

 

>Prologue (1)  
>  
>1

Crow: Wow, that was exciting. 

Joel: Yeah, I can hardly wait for Epilogue (1).

 

>"… And we will continue shortly, after this groovy music!" The  
>pink-haired girl's voice rang out cheerfully as she slipped a music  
>record and turned off the microphone. 

Tom: It's far better than those birth records she used to play.

 

>Although her voice sounded jovial, Senor Adriano couldn't help but  
>noticed how his employee was sweating profusely, even though the  
>air conditioner was on full blast. 

Crow: [pink-haired girl] I can't help it, these are some hot beats!

 

>He watched as she slumped on her black leather desk chair, her left  
>hand gripping the armrest with such intensity that the man wondered  
>if it would break under the pressure. 

Joel: [girl] So hot... so why did I sit in a LEATHER CHAIR!!?

 

>Her right hand reached up to her damp forehead and attempted to wipe  
>the sweat there. She was looking agitated and uncomfortable; her mouth  
>curled to a frown as she furiously massaged her temple.

Tom: [girl] If I have to listen to that damn Gummy Bear song   
one more time...!!

 

>"/Estas bien, Senorita?" /Senor Adriano asked with concern.

Crow: [girl] /Sí, estoy solo color de rosa! Idiota./

 

>This girl, who was barely 17, came to his house one rainy day about 2  
>months ago. She was suffering from hypothermia and was cold to the  
>bones. 

Joel: Wait, she was suffering from hypothermia and now she's   
roasting... where the heck is this scene taking place?

Tom: Hell, Norway?

Crow: Natch.

 

>Senor Adriano took pity of her and allowed her to stay with him,  
>given that she could remember who she was and where she was.  
>There were no forms of personal belonging on her, and the clothes  
>she was wearing were old hand-me-downs. Attempts to unearth  
>who she was always met with a dead end.

Joel: And all her Watchtowers were soaked and unreadable.

 

>Normally, Senor Adriano wouldn't think of allowing her to work for  
>him at his radio station, due to her age and her lack of a work permit  
>and being a complete stranger. 

Crow: But free interns having such a high turnover rate, he'd be  
a fool NOT to hire her!

 

>But after discovering her bubbly nature and her love of talking (after  
>recovering from her ailments), he decided to relent and let her work  
>there. 

Tom: Because that put her into a soundproof booth.

 

>So far everything had been going smoothly  
>and there were no bumps on the road.  
>  
>Until 2 days ago.

Joel: Then everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

Crow: Actually, it was the M. Night Shyamalan version so  
nobody cared.

 

>As he wrapped his arms around the girl, he felt her trembling slightly.  
>He couldn't see her face as her huge curls acted as an obstruction.

Tom: Tell me, Joel, has any of your employers ever just held you  
when you were feeling bad?

Joel: Uh, I really can't talk about it, the lawsuit is still pending.

 

>"Josefa(He called her that, since she did not have a name.)? If you are  
>not feeling well, maybe we should call it a day, it's almost 10pm"  
>Senor Adriano spoke.

Tom: It's Mexican Radio *After Dark*...

Crow: [Senor Adriano] I'll take over your shift... oops, I'm on! "Uh...   
that was... somebody singing... something! And now... here's more music   
from... a band that plays... music you'll like! Yeah, baby!

 

>"I'm fine, I … I just having a migraine." Josefa sighed audibly. "I just  
>feel weird, like there something nagging in my brain…" her head hung as  
>though in defeat. 

Joel: [Josefa's brain as voiced by Gilbert Gottfried] FOR GOD'S  
SAKE, IT'S BEEN MONTHS AND YOU STILL CAN'T REMEMBER *ANYTHING*!? AT LEAST DO A CROSSWORD PUZZLE OR SOMETHING, I'M DYING HERE!!!

 

>" No worry, let's go home. I will call someone else to take over you,  
>okay? I…" Before Senor Adriano could finished, Josefa screamed shrilly,  
>her whole body shook violently, her eyes rolled to the back of her head.

Tom: Those Chris Brown songs hit the women like a ton of bricks,  
don't they?

 

>Senor Adriano was taken back by surprise. But before he could react to  
>this strange situation, it stopped. Josefa stood stiffly, like a stature, her  
>eyes staring blankly at him.

Crow: ...like a dead fissure?

 

>"Josefa?" Senor Adriano inched forward; fear suddenly took hold of him,  
>though he knew not why. "Are…" he stopped when Josefa spoke up.

Tom: [Josefa] I've... I've been moonlighting on NPR.

Crow: [Adriano] I CAN'T SPONSOR YOUUUUUU!!

 

>"Designated codename: Enero. Online." She droned.

Crow: D'aww, she's about to kill her first president. Isn't  
that precious?

Tom: Either that or the Queen. Stop her, Enrico Palazzo!!

 

>A sudden flash of red in her eyes was the last thing he saw before 2  
>powerful hands gripped his throat.

Joel: She's just as frustrated as we are over Top 40 playlists  
nowadays.

 

>Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Crow: No, no, you only need to sign X once, dearie.

Joel: (hushed VO) Here you see the mama X leading her babies  
to the alphabet soup.

 

>" One down, eleven to go"

Tom: "Enero Does a Dozen"! Starring Yulvana Blowjob as Enero  
and Dick Current as The Unsuspecting Mailman with a Package.

 

>2  
>  
>"Ohhh, /Mademoiselle/ , which dress do you think look better on  
>me, hmmm?" The plump convivial lady chirped brightly as she place  
>a flowery dress over her body and admiring herself at a body  
>length mirror.

Crow: Gah! Pick a tense and stick with it, will ya?

 

>/None of them, porc./ The pink short hair girl thought with a mental  
>sigh, but she forced herself to smile radiantly. " Well, the dress you  
>are currently holding sure fits you perfectly, like a glove." 

Joel: [girl] All fifty dresses look SPLENDID! And I swear I'm  
not on commission!

Tom: [girl] Have we checked our stock of girdles?

 

>Her sarcastic remark was lost to the woman, who frowned and shook her  
>head,  
>  
>"/Non, //il ne regarde pas assez bon./ Please, find better dresses! All  
>these dresses you selected looked horrible!" The woman exclaimed bluntly.

Crow: [girl] Yeah, your assez is pas bon, lemme tell yew whut.

 

>Ophelie felt her throbbing headache getting worse as he glared daggers  
>at the narcissistic woman. /You fat bitch…/ She thought irritably as she  
>looked back at the heaps of clothes she pulled out just for this woman.

Joel: [Ophelie] Hmm, I could hide the body in there...

Crow: [Ophelie] Suddenly Al Bundy doesn't seem like such a jerk.

 

>Ophelie wondered why she decided to become a clothing store assistant,  
>probably because of her love of clothing or the more major reason of  
>feeding her stomach.

Joel: It's because she likes to EAT THE CUSTOMERS.

Tom: She'll have leftovers for days with this woman.

 

>Her earliest memory was when she woke up in a dingy little house, on a  
>bed with a elderly couple tending to her injuries and exhaustion. 

Crow: [Ophelie] Worst... threesome... ever.

 

>They told her that they found her just lying in a dark alleyway 2 months  
>ago when they were on their way home one day. Thinking she was some  
>homeless child and seeing the cuts and bruises on her body, they decide  
>to bring her to their abode. 

Joel: [old man] Hot damn, Martha! Finally, the coat rack we've been   
looking for!

Tom: 1% of all runaway kids are never seen again... because clueless   
old people take them home.

 

>When they questioned her identity, to her surprise and horror, she  
>couldn't remember a single thing. The elderly couple decided to   
>christen her as Ophelie, which she thought was a beautiful name.

Crow: Unfortunately her new last name was Nutmeg.

Tom: And it seemed appropriate considering her forked tongue.

 

>She decided to take a job at a clothing store to help keep ends meet,  
>being the sole breadwinner of this 'family'. She regretted her decision  
>almost instantly.

Joel: Especially when the clothing store read "WAL*MART" on the   
outside.

 

>/The reason why I'm still here, you little shit, is because I was lucky  
>the manager decided not to ask for any identification. /Ophelie thought  
>before a sudden pang of pain shot through her head, causing her to bend  
>forward slightly.

Joel: Looks like somebody... (puts on a pair of sunglasses)... hit the  
snooze on the sleeper.

Tom: YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! 

 

>"What are you waiting for, /Mademoiselle, /find me better dresses!" The  
>woman retorted, unaware of Ophelie's predicament.

Crow: [Ophelie] Sorry, Ma'am, the circus won't be in town for  
another week.

Tom: Zing!

 

>"It hurts, it hurts so much!" Ophelie screamed out, unable to block  
>the pain any longer. 

Crow: One hour later, the police arrived to find the body of an  
obese woman crushed to death in a size 00 dress.

Joel: Death by glamour.

 

>It felt like something dark was worming its way into  
>her mind, breaking all her defenses, until…until…

Tom: [Earthworm Jim] GAHHHHROOVY!!!

 

>A few patrons turned their head to her direction, wondering what caused  
>the outburst. The woman took a uncertain step as Ophelie began to shake  
>violently, spittle flying out of her mouth. Then she stopped.

Tom: [Ophelie] Sorry, minor seizure, now what was your size again?

Joel: And THAT'S why employees need at least an hour for lunch.

 

>The plump woman was figuring how to complain to the manager of such  
>bizarre display of action when she saw Ophelie's inhuman red eyes and  
>unnatural standing position, like a staure.

Crow: [plump woman] No matter how you try to fake it, you're not a mannequin. Now get me more size 4's to try on.

 

>"Designated codename: Fevrier. Online"

All: (singing) Night Fevrier, night Fevrier... she knows how to kill YOU!

 

>The woman did not have time to scream before a sharp kick to the head  
>shattered her cranium and ended her existence.

Joel: Boot to the head never felt so sweet.

 

>Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Crow: (whistles the theme to 'The X-Files')

Tom: THIS RIFF HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN FOR A   
COPYRIGHT CLAIM FROM 20TH CENTURY FOX.

Crow: Oh, bite me!

 

>"Two down, ten to go."  
>  
>3  
>  
>"Excuse me, /Frau."/

Tom: Not exactly the catchphrase that captured the hearts of America.

Crow: [Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw] "That's Our Fuhrer!"

 

>The purple-haired girl looked up from the doodling on her notebook  
>and into the eyes of a young burly youth. 

Joel: [Ranma Saotome] Draw me like one of those Jusenkyo girls.

Tom: [Shampoo] Okay! *splash* Shampoo start over!

 

>She found herself blushing almost immediately, slamming her notebook shut  
>so that he would see her childish drawings.

Crow: [teacher] For the record, miss, I am NOT a wiener man, nor a   
doo-doo head and I'll see you in my office after school.

 

>"Yes? How c-can I he-elp y-you?" she stuttered, mentally cursing herself  
>for having this speech impediment. It always made her sound like a fool  
>and idiot and she wished she could get rid of this annoying pest.

Tom: Which is why she threw her considerable talent into  
drawing!.... wait.

 

>The youth seemed amused at her difficulty in speaking, but was a  
>gentleman enough to avoid making fun of her. Instead, he asked   
>" I seemed to have a problem with my library card, could you  
>please help me scan it again so I could borrow my books?" he  
>smiled warmly.

Crow: [girl] Certainly, you DO have 15 forms of ID, right?

 

>Conradina's was lost in those warm blue eyes, it just feel so…friendly,  
>so…

Joel: Suddenly a floater appeared and broke the mood.

 

>She managed to snap out of her trance and immediately focusing on her  
>task, taking his library card with sweaty palms and grabbing hold of  
>huge tome, shaking her head to get rid of those thoughts.

Tom: [youth] Oh man, this'll take a while... still, I swore to read  
the book before I saw the movie.

 

>"/Psychology: The Study of the Unknown", /the title of the tome stood  
>out in golden letters. 

Crow: The prequel to "/Reverse-Psychology: Fine, Don't Buy My   
Book, I Don't Care, Go Read Another Stupid Comic Then, Dummy!"/.

 

>Conradina grimaced slightly at the title. How ironic. Here she was, having >no memories of her past, suddenly finding herself in Germany with no >knowledge of how she got here 2 months ago.

Tom: Actually, it was *3* months ago, but she lost another month   
trying to regain her memory by hitting herself in the head.

Joel: Still, having access to all that bratwurst WAS pretty sweet.

 

>She was so afraid back then; she's certainly no lionheart. She would  
>have lost her mind from fear if she didn't find an orphanage. 

Crow: Now fear is her bitch.

 

>The kind people there took her in since she was still 17 or so. They >provided her with warm food and shelter and showered love on her, >making her feel blessed. 

Tom: Did any of this involve a kennel?

Joel: (motherly voice) Eat your milk bones dear, so your teeth will grow big  
and strong!

 

>When they asked where were her parents though, her mind would  
>immediately draw a blank, panic started bubbling in her guts and she  
>would burst into tears. They later recommended her to the national  
>library to work as a librarian.

Crow: Yeah, nothing beats depression like the Dewey Decimal System.

 

>/How I hate this feeling of the unknown/. She grimaced again as her  
>headache returned with a vengeance. /And this stupid headache too.  
>How many days have it been?/

Joel: [Conradina] What does "Inception" mean?

Tom: I don't know, but the trailer music may explain her headache.

 

>"You are beautiful, /hübsche dame."/  
>  
>Conradina looked up sharply, a gasp stuck in her throat as her blush  
>began to deepen to a dark shade of red. 

Joel: [Conradina] WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!?

 

>"/D-D-Danke/." She whispered timidly as her hand holding the card began >to tremble slightly, her heart was beating furiously in her chest.

All: DRUM SOLO!!!

 

>/He's…He's flirting with me!/ She thought joyfully, temporarily forgetting  
>her task and her headache. /No boy ever done that to me before…Mein Gott…/

Crow: So no one's attempted to pick up the nerdy yet available librarian   
chick? Ja, right.

 

>Her pleasant thoughts were cut short when the headache returned, but  
>this time it felt like her head was splitting. She fell forward, banging  
>her elbows on the marble desk as tears leaked from her eyes. 

Joel: It was almost as painful as her daily paper cut.

 

>/Make it stop make it stop make it stop…, /her thoughts became more  
>and more meaningless as she felt herself slipping into darkness.

Crow: The sad but inevitable conclusion to pursuing a career in the   
library.

Tom: You should absolutely get one of the thesauruses down, give us  
some amazing synonyms right now.

Joel: "Cease". "End." "Complete."

 

>A sudden scream shook the boy and many library-goers to their core, it  
>sounded like a banshee to him. 

Tom: Uh-oh, Conan the Librarian has returned from the wilds of the   
biography stacks.

 

>He watched in terror as the girl he had a crush on writhed on the desk  
>like a dying snake. 

Joel: With the exception of the dying part, that actually sounds  
kinda hot.

Crow: He quickly ran over to the CDs, found some Def Leppard, and   
blasted "Pour Some Sugar On Me" over the PA system.

Tom: Oooh, baby, tell me you're shedding your skin next. Rawr.

 

>Suddenly she stopped. 

Joel: [old woman] Young miss, this is a library and you're the  
librarian! Have you any manners?

Crow: [Conradina] Old bat, I am fetish fuel in a fanfic. Hush up and  
find your singles.

 

>Before he could voice his concern, however, she spoke, standing as  
>though she was a soldier in attention. A brief flash of red glowered  
>in her brown eyes.

Tom: [Conradina] I'M LOOKING FOR SARAH CONNOR.

 

>"Designated codename: Marz. Online."

Tom: [Conradina as Arnold Schwarzenegger] GET YOUR ASS TO ME.

 

>Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
>  
>"Three down, nine to go."  
>  
>4

Tom: No, I said THREE! Pay attention!

Joel: Next agent -- is at a Taco Bell! After that... is an Uber driver!

Crow: And then... brace yourself... a house realtor!

 

>" Would you hurry up?! We are going to be late for school!" the little  
>boy whined at his red-haired sister. 

Crow: Oh, we missed it... it's the bus driver. 

Tom: No, it's not the bus driver. Aunt Jemima has topped her LAST   
PANCAKE.

 

>He was already in his school uniform and was impatiently stamping his feet  
>on the polished wooden floor, creating a racket loud enough to wake up the  
>dead.

Joel: Geez, what's the rush, kid? Is it pizza day at school or   
something?

 

>Michele groaned irritably and using her arm to prop herself to a sitting  
>position on her bed. She was having a hell of a headache already and  
>this din was not making things any better. 

Tom: [Michele] Look, here's twenty bucks, kid. Go to McDonalds,  
I'll come pick you up... *yawns* ...eventually... ZZZZzzzz....

 

>As she strolled lazily into her bathroom, she couldn't help but think how >loud and annoying her brother was. Or at least she tried to see him as her >brother.

Tom: Ah, we must be in Japan now.

Joel: Notice me, onii-chan!!

Crow: Well, a yandere WOULD be more suited to being a sleeper   
assassin.

 

>2 months ago, she woke up in a Italian police station. 

Crow: "woke up", eh?

Tom: [Michele] No more Negroni... uuuaaauuuggghhh...

 

>Confused and frightened by her surroundings and to add oil to fire, she  
>had no recollection of her past. 

Tom: [Policeman] Your last name wouldn't happen to be Bourne,   
would it?

 

>After she woke up, she was given some sandwich to eat, which she devoured  
>like a ravished wolf. 

Joel: They kept her well away from the donuts.

 

>Then she was being questioned about her identity, which she honestly told   
>them she couldn't remember. 

Tom: [Policeman] Who were you on the night of the twelfth!?

Crow: [girl] Got something in a missing Kardashian sister? Perhaps a   
trophy wife in Naples who's gone missing?

 

>Michele heard one of the policemen muttered "Amnesia." And her blood >ran cold. She couldn't have amnesia, could she? The thought alone send >chills down her spine.

Crow: (singing) Born of cold and winter air, and mountain rain combing...

Joel: Crow, NO. Just let it go. 

Tom: PLEASE.

 

>She spent a few days in a jail cell (the police thinking she must be a  
>asylum seeker due to the lack of identification papers on her), 

Joel: She was having such a good time, she LITERALLY forgot  
all her troubles.

 

>until finally, a family of 3 identified her as one of their kin, thanks  
>to the small news of her appearance.

Crow: Lost and Found: Three boobed Amnesia victim. Come to   
Police Station to claim.

Joel: [family] THAT'S OUR BABY!

 

>When they first entered the cell, she looked at them curiously, as she  
>never seen them before. The moment her family laid their eyes on her,  
>they immediately rushed forward, crying tears of joy and sprouting out  
>blessing and thanks to who-know-who.

Tom: Jim Sterling?

Crow: They're prepping for the next Aristocrats joke. Better find the   
skintight spandex, hope you don't mind scat.

 

>"/Soella!/" The little boy cried out, hugging his sister tightly, who  
>just stare at him strangely. "Who…who are you people?" she questioned ,  
>trying to released herself out of the embrace of her little brother.

Tom: [Announcer's voice] It's your NEW FAMILY!!!

Crow: (imitates studio audience cheering)

Joel: "Soella Who?" Coming this fall on ABC!

 

>Gasps of shock echoed in the tiny cell. The man took a step forward, his  
>lips trembling as he spoke, " Don't you remember us? We are your family."

Crow: [Michele] I hate you! Stop reading my diary! Now I  
remember why I wanted to forget you!

 

>Michele shook her head as she splashed some water on her face, trying to  
>forget her shock and disbelief. 

Joel: Hasn't she forgotten enough already?

 

>It was cringe worthy now that she thought it, her reaction must had been   
>laughable. Of course after their introduction, she lived with them for  
>the past 2 months and to be honest, it wasn't very easy. 

Tom: [Michele] Living with hoarders is one thing, but dear God  
why did it have to be BEANIE BABIES!?

 

>It was disconcerting to bid 2 strangers goodnight and handle to a  
>hyperactive child she almost felt no love for.

Joel: Mama June feels your pain.

Crow: Welcome to adulthood, even if it is early.

 

>At least things were getting better now and she felt closer to them  
>(maybe less for her brother) and she attended school and make some  
>new friends. Life was peaceful for a while.  
>  
>Until today.

Tom: The invasion came without warning. There had been no declaration  
of war, no news programs to say it was going to happen. It simply  
happened.

 

>As Michele exited her bathroom fully changed to a sleeveless white  
>shirt and jeans, her headache suddenly took a turn for the worse  
>and she stumbled to the ground, her face a mask of pain. 

Joel: Her headache is flatlining! Quick, somebody break a vase  
over her head!

 

>/Go away, you stupid thing, go-/ her eyes suddenly widened as she felt  
>a dark presence entered her brain, twisting every cog and wheels inside,  
>all for its malicious purpose.

Crow: Yeah, trojans are a real bitch.

Joel: Wait, she's a robot?

Tom: Oh sure, make the ROBOT the killer. How very original!

 

>The little boy arrived at his sister's side when he saw her thrashing  
>violently on the ground as though electrocuted, a scream emitting from  
>her mouth. 

Tom: [girl] WEEEOOOOH...! WEEEEOOOOOOH...!

Crow: [boy] And bad breath! No wonder I call you "Halito-Sis".

 

>"/Madre, Padre/, come quickly! Sister is hurt!" the boy  
>yelled for his parents desperately, looking at the doorway. 

Joel: [Padre] Did anyone think to keep the receipt the police  
gave us? Maybe trade her in on a used drug dog?

 

>Footsteps can be heard resounding down the corridor, but they  
>would not arrive in time to see her horrifying sight. 

Crow: That's what she gets for Googling the Hulk Hogan Sex Tape.

Tom: Gahhh!

 

>Suddenly, the boy felt no movement from his sister. He glanced upwards  
>only to see her standing still and stiff, like a plastic doll. 

Joel: [boy] Kid Sister™!? Wow, my wish came true!

 

>The boy knew something was wrong, very wrong when her eyes  
>flashed red.

Crow: Then her eyes flashed green and he breathed a sigh of relief.

Tom: [brother] I swear I haven't been in your underwear drawer!! ...in  
the last week.

 

>"Designated codename: Aprile. Online."

Tom: If it was only twenty years ago, she could be America Online.

Crow: Her special power would be throwing free CDs at people.

Joel: Along with ninja dodging power when people threw them back.

 

>She then turned her attention to the petrified boy.  
>  
>Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
>  
>"Four down, eight to go"

Tom: Eight more of these murderdeathkills?

Crow: Apparently we're reading the fanfic equivalent of  
'1000 Ways to Die'.

 

>5  
>  
>" Focus, Komako! You need to concentrate!" The old man said, his long  
>white beard flowed gently in the cool breeze. 

Joel: And now we've managed to go full Uncle Iroh.

Tom: Either that or we've wandered into 'Kill Bill: Vol. 2'.

Crow: Damn it, not every white bearded old man is Pai Mei! It could  
be Gen... or Priest White Brows... or one of the dozens of white-haired  
villains from countless Kung-Fu movies...!

Joel: (chuckling) Okay, Crow, okay...

 

>In front of him stood a teenage girl with short dark hair, who was  
>panting from the effort she put in. 

Tom: [Komako] I'm trying my best! Really! But I just don't see  
the space ship!

Crow: [old man] It's a MAGIC picture, fool! You have to believe!   
Now CONCENTRATE!

 

>" /Gomen nasai, Sensei," /the girl known as Komako bowed before  
>resuming to a defensive stance, both hands gripping onto a katanna,  
>which gleamed in the evening light. 

Tom: (smirking) You SURE this isn't Pai Mei?

Crow: (sighs) If he jumps onto her sword, we'll talk.

 

>The old man sighed before reuming to his own defensive stance with  
>a similar katanna in his hands.

Joel: Samurai Futaba is getting too old for this shit.

 

>In a flash, the girl sprinted forward before viciously swinging her blade   
>towards the old man. He casually raised his katanna to block the attack,  
>a metallic clang could be heard when the metals collided.

Tom: That metallic clang wasn't the swords, that was the old man's  
hip replacement.

 

>Immediately, she dropped to the ground, attempting to sweep-kick the old  
>man's feet. The old man leaped into the air and did a back flipped  
>before landing a distance away from the girl.

Joel: Once a cheerleader, always a cheerleader.

Tom: Crouching Teenager, Hidden Plot.

 

>Komako rushed towards the old man before jumping into the air and  
>slashing her katanna downwards to him. 

Crow: This is how she always opens her Chef Boyardee at home too.

 

>The old man dodged out of the way using his katanna to shield him before   
>grabbing the girl in mid-air and sending her forcefully to the ground. 

Tom: Time slowed to a crawl as she bounced painfully on the ground,   
her scream of pain echoing...

Crow: [Street Fighter Announcer] YOU LOSE! 9...! 8...!

 

>Then with the speed of a striking cobra, he poised the katanna near the  
>throat of his downed opponent, "

Tom: [old man] I'm done training you. My timeshare in Boca Raton is   
calling me.

 

>Sloppy." he commented, his tone indicating that he was not pleased with  
>her performance. He moved the katanna away from her so she could stand   
>up.

Joel: [old man] Samurai Showdown? More like Samurai SLOWdown!

 

>"Forgive me…" She murmured before collapsing to the ground on all >fours, panting heavily. The old man shook his head in disappointment. >How is she going to improve if this continued?

Crow: Perhaps she could use the power of love and friendship?

Tom: Or failing that, a proton cannon?

 

>The old man thought back 2 months ago when he found this girl wandering  
>aimlessly around the forest in the mountain near his dojo. 

Joel: [old man] Hey, this is my Pokemon Go territory! Go away!

 

>The girl was heavily malnourished, having not eaten for days and was near   
>death. He saved her and brought her to his dojo, where he fed her warm  
>food and provided shelter from the harsh outside world. 

Tom: In return, she kept his feet warm in the winter, fetched his paper   
in the morning and barked furiously at intruders.

 

>When she recovered, he found out that she couldn't remember who she >was or how she ended up in the mountainous region. 

Crow: Then he noticed her breath smelled like Rugby player and wisely   
refrained from asking any more questions. 

 

>The old man sympathized her plight and allowed her to stay with him,  
>even participating in the training he gave to his students. 

Joel: [old man] Wipe down his forehead! Change the practice mats!

Crow: [old man] Another 500 squats, this time directly over my crotch!   
Don't question me, just do it!

 

>She managed to astonish him with her professional swordsmanship,  
>causing him to wonder how she got that touch. 

Tom: He suspected a Matrix of Leadership but got a dirty look when   
he asked to examine her chest more closely.

Joel: Just wait till he finds out she's not left handed.

 

>Komako had been improving steadily under his guidance, pleasing him  
>in every lesson.  
>  
>Until a few days ago.

Tom: [Komako] After playing "Undertale", I have decided to renounce   
fighting forever! OW! What'd you hit me for?

 

>The old man eyed her trembling form, wondering if she was ill. 

Joel: [Komako] S-So cold... I need the stuff... please, I need it bad...

Crow: [old man] Foolish child! Did William S. Sessions teach you   
nothing!?

 

>It started a few days ago, when she would complain about headaches that  
>were so severe that once she couldn't lift herself out of bed.

Tom: Massive head trauma from years of fighting? NAHHH!!!

 

>He started towards her and asked "Are you alright?"Komako stood up >with shaking legs and tiredly nodded affirmative. 

Joel: [Komako] I'm only mostly dead.

 

>"You seems tired. Let's continue tomorrow." The tired girl smiled >gratefully towards her master before it turned to a scream. 

Crow: Then Scream 2, then Scream 3, and then it *really* became  
repetitive and derivative.

 

>Immediately, the old man grabbed her before she falls and at the same  
>time, sensing a huge amount of pure evil energy in the air, so evil that  
>the old man could feel the temperature of the field outside of his dojo  
>dropped rapidly.

Joel: [old man] Hmm, knee's swelling up... that means evil's a-coming.

 

>/What am I sensing?/ He thought in horror before realizing the girl  
>was not in his arms anymore. 

Joel: [old man] Sensei-sense tingling...!

Tom: Trust Fall Fail.

 

>In fact, she stood a few feet away from him, standing still like a  
>sentinel of the field, her eyes devoid of any emotion. /How-/ he  
>couldn't finish his train of thoughts when Komako suddenly appeared  
>in front of him-almost as if she teleported-and slashed the unprepared  
>man in the chest with her katanna. 

Crow: [Komako] HA! FINALLY caught you off-guard! Uh... you  
can stop bleeding anytime now... oh crap.

Tom: [old man] Free open-heart surgery! Thanks Obamacare!

 

>The force of the slash threw the old man off his feet and landing on the   
>ground, his blood seeping from his wound and mixing with the soil. 

Joel: Oh man, being wounded is bad enough but now it's sure to   
become infected!

 

>He grimaced in pain and looked up, seeing his student looming over him   
>emotionlessly. " Komako, how… why…" the old man said weakly, his  
>vision blurring, but not enough to miss seeing her eyes turned red.

Crow: It was Komako, in the dojo, with the katana. It doesn't take   
Detective Conan to figure this out.

 

>"Designated codename: Satsuki. Online"  
>  
>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
>  
>"Five down, seven to go."

Joel: (singing) On the seventh day of Christmas, my true  
love gave to me... seven packs of smokes,

Tom: (singing) Six packs of two-four!

All: (singing) Five golden toques!

Crow: (singing) Four pounds of back bacon,

Tom: (singing) Three French toast,

Joel: (singing) Two turtlenecks,

All: (singing) And a beer... in a treeeeee!!!

Tom: Whew, fun.

 

>Prologue (2)  
>  
>6

Joel: (singing) Then put your little hand in mine... There ain't  
no hill or mountain we can't climb... 

Tom: Okay campers, rise and shine and don't forget your booties   
cause it's COOOLD out there today!

Crow: Well, we've had six of one prologue, time for half a dozen of  
the other.

 

>/Something's her mind./

Crow: Uhh, what is a brain, Alex?

Joel: Somewhere's the rest of the predicate.

 

>That's what flashed through Cammy's mind when she watched the short  
>orange-haired girl. 

Tom: Ah, finally! Six chapters in and we have our first principal   
character!

Crow: Now if we can just figure out which edition of Street Fighter II  
this is, we'll be in business!

 

>Juni was fidgeting on her seat, her eyes staring blankly at the mug  
>she was gripping tightly with her hands.

Joel: [Cammy, muffled] Umm, could you please let go of my face?

 

>The aroma of home-brewed tea wafted lazily in the suddenly tense room.

Tom: Because when you think of Street Fighter Two Hyper Alpha Super X,  
you think chamomile tea and relaxation.

 

>Cammy stared intensively at the girl who, just 2 months ago, was a  
>brainwashed assassin who killed many innocent lives for the most  
>dangerous man in the world, all against her free will.

Joel: Yeah, that'll happen when you work for Nic Cage.

 

>/Just like how I once was./

Crow: [Cammy] And after that, when I was brainwashed by M. Bison,   
I really raised some hell!

 

>" A penny for your thoughts?" the silence was dissipated by her voice.   
>  
>Juni shifted slightly on her seat before getting up from the table. She  
>walked silently to the window, which was facing the west, just in time  
>to see the crimson-red sun disappearing over the horizon. Cammy  
>followed suit without a word.

Tom: [Juni] This tea is liquid shit.

 

>"The nightmares, they returned again when I had an afternoon nap." She  
>spoke so softly, Cammy had to strain her ears in order to hear her.

Joel: [Juni, sing-songy voice] ONE... TWO... FREDDY'S COMING  
FOR YOU...

Tom: Juni's getting Cammy prepared for a jump-scare.... any second   
now... ANNNNNNY SECOND NOW...

 

>Cammy nodded her head in sympathy. She had the same problems as Juni  
>during the first month of her new life. 

Joel: [Cammy] I kept dreaming I was Kylie Minogue... I don't  
even LIKE pop music!

 

>To say they weren't pleasant would be the understatement for the year. >They were downright horrifying that Cammy developed insomnia then, of >course they went away, but still…

Crow: It's so easy to cure insomnia. Just sleep on it.

 

>How Juni got to London still puzzled Cammy. 

Joel: Plane?

Crow: Bus?

Tom: VIA Rail? No wait, I'm thinking of London, Ontario.

 

>It was 2 months ago when a group of park-goers found her lying on a  
>bench in Hyde Park unconscious.

Tom: Coincidentally, the mangled remains of a group of park-goers   
were found in Jekyll Park the night before.

 

>She was still wearing her Shadaloo uniform and given the company's  
>notorious reputation, it didn't need an Einstein to figure out who  
>she was.

Joel: She's clearly a member of Cobra, a ruthless terrorist  
organization determined to rule the world!

 

>They quickly informed the authorities to take her away. 

Crow: [Policeman] Right, what's all this then? Oh, bugger me   
sideways, another one of those Shadaloo tarts! Blimey, they're  
coming out of the woodwork, they is. Well then, on your feet, Missy!

 

>Once they had her under custody, they informed Colonel Wolfman of  
>Delta Red, who informed Cammy of their new 'guest'.

Joel: Under custody? Actually, never mind. I'm happier not  
knowing.

 

>When Cammy entered the interrogation room, she felt nervous. But  
>when she saw Juni slumped wearily on her seat, all her nervousness  
>was replaced with concern. 

Tom: [Cammy] Her posture is horrible! She'll suffer back pain  
later in life if she doesn't change her ways!

 

>Her eyes wasn't dead and lifeless like a robot, but filled with  
>emotion like shock, fear, confusion…

Tom: (imitating zombie) NGGGHHH... BRAINS...

Crow: Speaking of dead and lifeless, Cammy, how's your victims   
doing? OOH, BURN!

Joel: (chuckling) FYI, robots are filled with emotion like  
sensitivity.

 

>After questioning her, Cammy found out that the girl couldn't remember  
>anything, not her time as an assassin of Shadaloo nor how she got to  
>London. 

Tom: [Juni, singing] Am-me-sia is awe-some! Am-mes-ia is cool   
when you're part of a team... That killed lots of peo-ple! Now  
for-got-ten like a dream!

 

>Initially, the Colonel wanted to keep her in custody for further  
>questioning, but she rebuked by saying it would be pointless  
>considering she had lost her memories and at the same time being  
>in custody could further scar the poor girl's already disturbed mind.

Crow: So they tagged and released Juni into the wild so she could  
run free and play with the other brainwashed dolls.

 

>In the end, Colonel Wolfman relented and allowed Juni to stay with  
>Cammy.

Joel: Because accused murderers are AWESOME houseguests. 

Tom: '2 Broken Girls'. Coming this fall to CBS!

 

>In the 2 months spent with her, Cammy taught Juni about society,  
>politics and economy and how to act normal in the public. 

Crow: Are we watching a chick flick now?

Joel: [Cammy] Girl, you're gonna learn how to get on your own  
two feet and the most important thing a woman can have... a good man!

Tom: How Juni Got Her Groove Back.

 

>So far, she was doing pretty when. At least she didn't walked out of  
>a clothing store without paying.

Joel: That would've be an biggest mistaken.

Tom: Agreeing total within you.

Crow: Words.

 

>Cammy's train of thoughts was interrupted by a gasp from Juni. 

Joel: This is my stop!

 

>The girl stumbled forward, one hand clutching her head while the  
>order hanged onto the window sill for support. "It hurts, it hurts so  
>much…" Juni panted, her eyes shut tightly in pain and fresh tears  
>were forming there.

Tom: She wants to do the genocide route so bad but just can't  
bring herself to kill Papyrus.

Crow: Heh, who could?

 

>"Juni! Are you all right?" Cammy bent down and placed a comforting  
>hand on her Juni's shoulder, only for her to be brushed aside forcefully.

Joel: Oh, we're breaking into a rendition of Absolutely Fabulous?

Crow: Not nearly enough vodka for that.

Tom: For them or for us?

Crow: Yes.

 

>"Gah…ah…argh…" inhuman sounds escaped from Juni's gritted teeth,  
>her whole body trembling. 

Joel: Hmm, anyone else starting to see a pattern here?

 

>As Cammy got up, her surprise turned to apprehension, Juni eyes  
>flashed red and noticeably dark aura seeped out of her body.

Tom: [Cammy] The evil that lies within... the inhuman  
sounds... *gasp* She's an Inhumanoid!

 

>/No, it can't be possible, he's dead, I saw it with my own eyes,  
>he's dead HE'S DEAD HE COULDN'T BE ALIVE HE COULDN'T!/

Crow: [Cammy as Doc Brown] THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!  
HE CAN'T BE HERE! IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE FOR HIM TO BE  
HERE! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT HE IS HERE!!! *door slam*

 

>"JUNI! DON"T LET HIM GET TO YOU!" Cammy screamed as she   
>launched herself to the girl, only to met a backhanded slap. 

Tom: [Juni] IT'S MY SCENE, BITCH! MINE!!!

Crow: [Cammy] Oh, for bloody sake! Work with me, you  
shambolic bint!

 

>As Cammy landed heavily onto the ground, her eyes widen in horror as  
>she saw the Doll agent slowly advancing towards her, her eyes glowing  
>menacingly.

Tom: It's the wide eyes of horror versus the glowing eyes of  
menace! WHO WILL BLINK FIRST!?

 

>"Designated codename: Juni. Online."  
>  
>Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
>  
>"Six down, six to go."

Crow Yayyy! We're officially halfway through  
the... prologue... (sobs)

Joel: Juni? She didn't even change her codename?

Tom: Way to let your secret identity get pissed through  
your fingers.

 

>7 & 11

Crow: No thanks, I'm good for Slurpies.

Tom: Does that mean we have to stop reading now? Store  
policy, you know.

Joel: Dream on, Servo.

 

>There she lay, like a corpse whose eyes remained open even after  
>death, on the bed. 

Crow: Oh goodie, I was wondering when zombies would start  
showing up.

Joel: It's Capcom, zombies are never that far behind.

 

>Ever so silent since the day she and her companion was found  
>in the plains near their village.  
>  
>The love of his life.

Tom: Wait, did we suddenly switch over to 'Shadow of the Colossus'?

 

>'s sigh resounded inside the tiny tent set up only for her. 

Joel: (laughing) Who?

Crow: Apostrophe S... in a role that will SHOCK you!

 

>He requested so to the chief and since was seen as a hero among the  
>tribe and was reverted almost like a god, the chief fulfilled his  
>wish and ordered his men to build a single tent just for her. 

Tom: And now we just flipped from Colossus to a random  
opening of a Japanese kaiju flick?

Crow: We're just as confused as you are, folks.

 

>sighed again, his mammoth hand caressing her pale cheek.

Joel: Mammoth hand? Well, we can rule out Donald Trump then.

Tom: Is... is this like 'Kill Bill' where they bleep out  
the protagonist's name only without the bleep?

Crow: Bleep if I know.

 

>If he did so in the past, she would giggle like a schoolgirl and punch  
>his shoulder playfully. But now, she didn't react, not even a single  
>twitch of an eye, or her mouth curving upwards.  
>  
>Nothing.

Tom: [man] Aww crap, did I forget to take the trash out again?

 

>felt his heart slowly shattering piece by piece. Although he was a  
>bulky and muscular man, whom anyone glanced upon would think  
>twice about messing with him. 

Joel: Wait, men have FEELINGS? Get out!

 

>However, he let a single drop of tear slipped by. 

Crow: It splashed on the ground with a macho grunt.

 

>It was too emotional for him, after those long and tiring months searching  
>desperately for her and Little Eagle, leaving no rocks unturned, and  
>when he found her, she was in a catatonic state, a vegetable. 

Joel: Lucky thing he found the right rock.

 

>As he gazed upon the brunette, it felt to him as if she was a life-size  
>model, a mannequin, a do-

Tom: (shudders) Let's just pray this big guy isn't named Buck.

 

>"Still no change?" a soft female voice spoke behind him.  
>  
>The giant of a man turned around and met with a familiar face of Little  
>Eagle, the daughter of a family that was close to his. 

Joel: [Little Eagle] Daddy was right. You are a WEIRDO.

 

>They were childhood friends, at least for her; he was in his teens when she   
>was just a child. 

Crow: He would've found friends closer to his own age but he found  
he really enjoyed tea time.

 

>They were so close that they would confine each other's secret or problem >to each other. 

Tom: [Large Man] Sometimes I wear your panties.

Crow: [Little Eagle] Sometimes I wash them.

 

>That's how she knew 's love for Julia.

Tom: But it was not to be... he was getting scrubbed from this  
time, "Back to the Future"-style. Soon even his ['s] would  
disappear, leaving behind nothing but a manly tear.

 

>shook his head in resignation, one of his hands rubbing his forehead to  
>get rid of the mental tiredness he was feeling. 

Joel: (singing) Where the street fighters have no name... 

 

>"No, she's still comatose. There seemed to be no progress at all." His  
>voice sounded unnaturally flat.   
>  
>Little Eagle stepped forward to hug him; he embraced her back. The  
>warmth from her body helped thawed the coldness in him. 

Tom: I'm not feeling it unless there's a hair band power ballad involved.

Joel: (singing) Don't know what'chu got... 'till it's gaw-wa-wan...

 

>She smiled wearily at him, her eyes twinkling with life, a deep  
>contrast with Julia's. "We can only pray to the heavens and wait.  
>Maybe one day a miracle will appear." She said hopefully.

Tom: **imitates horse whinnying from off-stage**

Crow: Miracle! Just the deus ex machina we needed! Take us away from   
the French Revolution!

 

>wanted to share her optimism, but when he   
>looked back at Julia… he just couldn't. 

Joel: [Nurse from 'Halloween'] Don't you think it would be  
better if you referred to "him" as "it"?

 

>"Maybe…" he lied. "How's your headache?''  
>  
>Little Eagle made a face that brought a genuine smile to his own.  
>"It sure is a persistent one, I can't seem to get rid of it." 

All: D'OH!

Crow: This entire fanfic is an infomercial for Excedrin!

Tom: [Voiceover] When you've got a premise THIS  
repetitive...

 

>Even since she was found, she managed to adapt back into the tribe,  
>living almost how she was in the past, of course /sans /the memories. 

Crow: (singing) Sans for... the memories...

 

>Still, she was fairly healthy, both physically and mentally, until she  
>complained of headaches a few days ago.  
>  
>"Let's go out and eat." She suggested, changing the subject. "Sure,"  
>replied as he walked to Julia's bedside and leaned forward to kiss her  
>cheek.

Joel: You know, if he just kissed her on the LIPS, the evil spell   
would've been broken months ago.

Tom: Poor dope.

 

>"Get better soon, I will be waiting." He whispered gently her ears  
>before getting up and following Little Eagle of the opening of the  
>tent.

Crow: (giggles) Wait, her ears got up and left? What?

 

>Just as they stepped out, however, Little Eagle suddenly stumbled to her  
>knees; her face was a mask of agony, both her hands clutching the sides  
>of her head.  
>  
>"ARGGH!" she let out a bloodcurdling scream.

Joel: Yeah, that was my sister's reaction when she saw the trailer  
for the live action Jem movie.

 

>Immediately, was at her side in an instant. "Little Eagle, or you all  
>right?" he questioned, alarmed. 

Crow: [Large Man] All my friends are dying! It's just like the Europeans  
are coming again!

 

>He received no reply as the girl continued her struggle  
>with…something. 

Tom: Clearly she's struggling with her tendency to overact.

Joel: Somebody in central casting needs to get canned, like yesterday.

 

>Before could alert the other tribe members, he heard a noise behind,  
>like a bed rattling as though someone was thrashing on it, He averted  
>his sight from Little Eagle and to the bed and saw…Julia standing up.

Crow: [Julia] Who set my alarm?! Dammit, I wanted to sleep in this   
MORNING! Not this YEAR!

 

>Little Eagle's scream seemed like it was coming from another planet all  
>of a sudden. couldn't believe his eyes. 

Joel: So Little Eagle was a Body Snatcher this whole time?

Tom: [Large Man, panicked] They're here already! You're next! You're  
next...!

 

>He gingerly advanced towards the girl who was strangely standing rather  
>stiffly. "Julia!" he exclaimed as he grabbed her arms. "You are okay!   
>You are-" his happy mood was cut short when he saw the blank look from  
>her face and how her eyes were glowing red.

Crow: [Large Man] Oh wait, it's after 7:00pm. That's normal for a   
Capcom zombie.

Tom: [Large Man] Yeah, all my dates ask for money up front before   
anything more happens.

 

>/No, it can't be, I heard he was gone, gone forever, so what does this  
>mea-/

Tom: It means that Marvel's writers got involved.... AGAIN.

Crow: All deaths must come with pre-written retcons or you're fired.

 

>felt a hand gripping his shoulder. Turning around, he met face to face  
>with Little Eagle once more, only she had the similar blank expression  
>on her face and her eyes…

Joel: Her nose, however, glowed red like a cherry.

 

>"Designated codename: Juli. Online."  
>  
>"Designated codename: Noembelu. Online."

Tom: Isn't announcing their code names a bit of a breach of security?

Joel: Next we'll get treated to a brainwashee having an argument with   
herself.

Crow: "We want a better codename! Shut up, we'll take what we get   
and like it! We hate you! We've ruined our life! That's it, go to  
our trailer! Wahhhhhh..!!" *slam*

 

>Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
>  
>"Eight down, four to go."  
>  
>8

Crow: I wasn't ready for a twelve course prologue, mind if we  
doggie bag the rest?

Tom: *burp* May I please be excused from the theater?

Joel: Here, have some Tums. They should help.

 

>" And the next contestant to face the Bò Du'c, is Nguyet!" the  
>announcer yelled enthusiastically at his microphone.

Tom: [Robin Williams] GOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAM!!!

Crow: Actually, Robin Williams as a fight commentator would've  
been hilarious.

 

>The cheer from crowd was deafening, to say the least. 

Joel: What?

 

>Everyone was eager to watch another contestant face off the Vietnamese  
>martial arts champion to claim the title for their own, only to fall  
>short and on their face. 

Crow: Someone really needs to mop up that ring.

Joel: I'm on break.

 

>In the Bò Du'c's long fighting career, no one has ever defeated him. He  
>was like a juggernaut, plowing down all his opponents with ease.  
>Needless to say, he became a fan favorite. 

All: (chanting) GOOOOOLD-BERG... GOOOOLD-BERG...

 

>Everyone wanted to see a confident challenger defeated and humiliated  
>by the unstoppable champion. 

Tom: An actual competitive fight? Nuts to that! Give us total  
squashes and keep 'em coming!

 

>Still, the chance of having their dignity hurt did not deter many more  
>to fight him. And it seemed like the next foolish one to do so is a  
>female, a teenage one so to speak.

Tom: [crowd] RIP THE GIRL APART!

Crow: [crowd] MAKE FUN OF HER HAIR!

Joel: [crowd, chanting] COOTIES! COOTIES! COOTIES!

 

>Nguyet walked casually up onto the platform; from the way she walked,  
>it seemed as though she was window-shopping instead of facing off the  
>Vietnamese champion of martial arts. 

Tom: Aww, she's so small... she's more like a McNguyet.

 

>There was a confident streak in her and the spectators couldn't wait  
>to see it crush in the next few minutes.

Joel: So much for rooting for the underdog.

Crow: Even Rocky Balboa couldn't win over this crowd.

Tom: They might cheer for Topper Harley though, especially after  
he chooses to dip his gloves in caramel.

 

>"Go, Nguyet! Show them what you got!" a small crowd of spectator  
>rooted for her, standing out like a sore thumb in the sea of /Bò  
>Du'c's/ fans.  
>  
>Ngyuyet smiled to herself, touched at her people cheering for her. /I  
>better not disappoint them. /She thought as she put on a fighting stance  
>against her opponent. 

Tom: [Nguyet] Hmm, which fighting stance should I go with  
today... the chiffon cat's paw or the mackinaw monkey fist?

 

>Ngyuyet had been training for the past month, developing her fighting  
>skills in preparation for the tournament. After all, she wanted to do her  
>village proud. At least, she thought it was her village.

Joel: [Nguyet] I hung my hat on the village gate, that makes it  
my home now, right?

 

>2 months ago, she found herself waking up in an unfamiliar environment,  
>a rundown hut in a rural village in Vietnam. 

Crow: Which was far less pleasant than the time she woke up in the  
ball pit of a Chuck E. Cheese.

Tom: (flatly) Opinions vary.

 

>At first confused with her surroundings, her mind was put to ease when  
>she learnt that the hut tenants meant her no harm. 

Tom: Anyone else envisioning the rope scene from that 'Mad  
Max' movie?

Crow: Please, can't we just get beyond Thun...

Joel: NO.

 

>She was told she was wandering aimlessly in the forest near their  
>village. She has scratches on her body due to be cut by the  
>vegetation there and was severely malnourished.

Crow: Is Cabbage gonna have to cut a bitch?

Joel: How would you like it if salad tossed YOU?

 

>What intrigued the villagers who found her was the fact that she  
>had a blank expression on her face, as though sleepwalking. When  
>questioned, she expressed no knowledge of that. 

Tom: So they hired Kenneth Starr to investigate the facts.

 

>Since she suffered from memory loss, the villagers decided to  
>name her Ngyuget.

Crow: See, I would have been the asshole villager that would have  
called her Nguyet Forget.

 

>As she stood on the arena, 

Tom: [Announcer] Hey! Get down from there! If you wanna  
commit suicide, just get in the ring already!

 

>she took note of her opponent's appearance. The famed champion really   
>doesn't look anything special. He had the build of an average man,  
>just a little more muscular. His face was covered with a red luchador  
>mask that seemed very out of place in this country, however his fans  
>loved it. 

Joel: Especially when he answered their e-mails.

Tom: [Strong Bad] Holy crap! I didn't know I was fighting a  
ladying-type! Do ya want'a my bod?

 

>His sweaty body glistened under the sunlight and his hairy chest  
>heaved in and out as he breathed heavily.

Joel: 'Unstoppable champion', huh? Then why does he sound  
like he's about to pass out?

 

>/How disgusting to think I have to fight with him…,/ she thought,   
>averting her gaze from him for a moment.

Crow: [Nguyet] I've wrestled in some of the finest jello in the  
world, I don't have to settle for this!

 

>The man scrutinized his mew challenger from head to toe. Seeing  
>that she was just a teenage girl, he let out a confident smirk. "Since  
>you are a lady, how about I let you have the first strike." He gave a  
>mock bow."

Joel: Is this when she pulls out her pistol, Indiana Jones-style?

Tom: We can only hope.

 

>/How dare he looked down on me!/ Ngyuget fumed as she launched  
>towards her opponent with her fist raised. 

Crow: Yikes... talk about telegraphing.

Tom: When that failed, she raised a foot and hopped across  
the ring toward him.

 

>The champion grabbed her fist and swung her over his shoulder with ease. 

Crow: [Champion] Welp, that was fun. Time to put you in my  
trophy case, mind the glass.

Tom: The next morning, she wakes up in yet ANOTHER random   
Vietnamese village.... and the cycle starts again.

 

>Ngyuget landed gracefully on her feet before continuing her attack,   
>this time with a slide. 

Joel: And then a tire swing, and after that, a rope ladder.

 

>The Bò Du'c did not see this coming and with a yell of surprise fell  
>forward as her legs tangled his legs. As he fell forward, Ngyuget,  
>launched a quick but powerful jab to his guts.   
>  
>The champion lay on the ground, trying to catch his breath. 

Crow: He's winded from one jab and a LEG takedown? Geez,  
who'd this guy bone to become champion?

Tom: He's the Vietnamese Homer Simpson.

 

>Ngyuget decided to press on with her advantage and was about  
>follow up with a kick to the side when the headache struck. 

Joel: [Headache] I protest! Kicking a man when he's  
down is WRONG!

 

>/No! Not now! /She cried out in anguish as her head felt like  
>someone was slamming a sledgehammer on it. The poundings, it  
>getting stronger, the pain, it's blocking out every sense in her  
>body…

Tom: Maybe this is a clear sign that Vietnamese kickboxing is  
not good for your continued health?

Crow: (giggling) Especially if Wheezy here is the champion. 

 

>The /Bò Du'c / saw his opportunity, seeing the girl looked dazed. He  
>immediately slammed his body to hers, causing the girl to let out a  
>gasp. 

Joel: Uh, champ? That's not how you do a bodyslam.

 

>Pressing on, he kneed her in the guts (/that's what she gets! /)  
>before following up with an uppercut, snapping her head back. He  
>ended his assault by flipping her over his shoulder and onto the  
>ground heavily, where she lay there motionless.

Tom: [Bò Du'c] Yeah, still Minor Circuit champion, baby!   
Don Flamenco, YOU'RE NEXT!

 

>"It appears that the /Bò Du'c /has won again! Although the contestant  
>put out a good fight for a second, thanks to his superiority in skills  
>and speed, 

Crow: [Announcer] ...and a congenital brain defect that felled  
the challenger moments before she would've achieved certain victory...

 

>the champion retains his title for another day!" The crowd roar with  
>joy at witnessing their idol defeated yet another wannabe; just a  
>small group of them sighed in disappointment.

Crow & Tom: [group] Le sigh...

Joel: The round card bikini girl pouted in her seat.

 

>The /Bò Du'c /did a victory pose by raising both his hands with the  
>V-sign and yelling "YEAH!" at the top of his lungs. 

Tom: Oh yeah, imitate Richard Nixon. THAT'LL get you  
over with the Vietnamese crowd.

Crow: That's so Tet Offensive.

 

>However, his moment of victory was ended abruptly when the announcer   
>exclaimed," What's this, it appeared that the contestant was getting  
>up!" 

Joel: [Announcer] Wait, no, she's down again... but now she's  
up... oh my goodness, ladies and gentlemen, she appears to be a SEX  
MACHINE!

Crow: Are we absolutely sure that this isn't in Bangkok?

Tom: Guys, stop trying to make the story interesting.

 

>The champion turned back in surprise just in time to see the girl  
>standing up. /Inconceivable! Many people I faced would be down for  
>the count! And yet, there she is, getting up /… 

Crow: Referee Mario already counted to twenty. Game's over,  
man... err, lady.

Joel: Won't he be surprised when she does a bull rush at him.

 

>The champion noticed something wrong with her. Her face took on a  
>blank expression, unlike just now which was full of life. Here yes  
>which were once burning with passion was now ice-cold. That's not  
>all; they appeared to be glowing…

Crow: And to top it off, she had a piece of canned spinach stuck  
in her teeth.

Tom: (Starts humming the 'Popeye' theme song)

Joel: [Nguyet] THAT'S ALL I CAN STANDS, I CAN'T STANDS NO MORE...

 

>The champion had no time to react when the girl seeming /teleported/  
>behind him. Before he could cry out in shock, the girl grabbed his  
>head and with an audible snap, broke his neck.

Tom: Never go in against a Doll when death is on the line.

 

>As the lifeless body of the former champion crumbled to the ground,  
>screams of shock and terror could be heard from the spectator stand.

Joel: [crowd] We came for violence, not... THIS!

Crow: [crowd] Holy shit! Beer is $15 a cup? WHAT THE HELL?!

 

>However they were lost to the lone figure standing in the arena.

Crow: Finally, the Rock has come back to Vietnam.

Tom and Joel: [spectators] ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY!

Crow: Fickle, aren't they?

 

>"Designated codename: Santamu. Online."

Tom: Which one is going to have their programming snap and  
bake their target cookies?

Joel: [Santamu] Oh my!

 

>Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
>  
>"Nine down, three to go."

Joel: Wow, that pack and a half of brewskis went fast.

Crow: Still hasn't had the desired effect, either.

 

>9 & 10

Crow: Two prologues for the price of one!

Tom: (awed) And we didn't even need a coupon... wow.

 

>"What do we have here?"  
>  
>The balding middle-aged man chuckled to himself when he saw the  
>2 girls in front of him shrank back in disgust and terror. 

Joel: [balding middle-aged man] Hi, my name is Larry... *hee hee*...   
Larry Laffer.

Crow: Another new sitcom for Jason Alexander? Seriously?

 

>He loved it when people do that; after all, he was one of the most  
>feared gang leaders in China. 

Tom: He keeps the Apple workers in line.

 

>Anyone who knew the… things he had done to those who dared  
>opposed him would tremble in fear when they see him.

Crow: He sends anonymous messages to IRS suggesting they audit?

 

>"Where did you find them?" He turned to face his right-hand man,  
>Wong. The man was a giant, towering all of the gang members with  
>ease. 

Joel: Fortunately, he was friendly and often played a pleasant  
melody on his recorder.

 

>He wore a pair of sunglasses, which gave a sinister vibe to him. 

Tom: Yeah, him and EVERY ASIAN GANGSTER EVER  
CONCEIVED!!!

Crow and Joel: (stare at Tom)

Tom: Sorry. Pet peeve of mine.

 

>Fiercely loyal to the Boss, he would not hesitate to eliminate  
>anyone who the Boss ordered to be killed.

Tom: [Boss] Wong, kill the lights.

Joel: [Wong] Right, Boss. HYAUUUUGH...!!!

Crow: Unless of course it was an amnesiac chick, he found them  
super-hot with their willingness to go along with anything.

 

>"At the back alley of one of the shop a few blocks down." The  
>giant answered with a thundering voice. 

Joel: And lightning speed, no doubt.

Tom: [Boss] Geez, tone it down, Raiden.

 

>The Boss smiled as he strolled leisurely to the 2 cowering Chinese  
>girls. "Hmmm…not bad, they look beautiful and their body…   
>perfect. 

Crow: Kim Jong-un selects his date for the evening!

 

>What a stroke of luck! Our prostitution business has been declining  
>due to the shortage of workers.

Tom: Yeah, what with over a BILLION people to choose  
from, I can see how that'd be a problem.

Joel: Maybe let your workers have more than 25% of the revenue?

 

>The 2 of you will make-" he was cut off when the short-haired girl  
>yelled, '' Dream on you old fuck! My sister and I would not be  
>degraded into such low-life as you! /Qu si ba!"/

Crow: [short-haired girl] We have standards! We'll only be  
degraded by young, virile, elite scumbags!

 

>The Boss smile falter for a second and his right eye twitched. He could  
>feel his anger boiling like lava inside him. Never had anyone disrespect  
>him! 

Joel: Then the boss remembered, he has goons.

Tom: Like goons would work for somebody that just got totally   
PWNED! 

 

>He resisted the urge to slap the girl; he prided himself of a man  
>who can keep his cool and temper. 

 

Crow: So he asked Wong to do it.

Joel: [Wong] Sorry, Boss, I only eliminate 'em.

Tom: [Boss] Well, fudge.

 

>He switched his attention from the hotheaded girl to her sister. The  
>girl had bun on her head and long flowing pigtails, one of which he  
>caressed in his hand. 

Tom: [girl] Don't mind me, I'm just taking it all in for the Interpol   
interrogation and the "based on a true story" movie starring Sandra  
Bullock in my future.

 

>The girl whimpered and huddled into a tight ball, but made no  
>attempts to resist.

Joel: Other than huddling into a tight ball, which obviously sends  
out mixed signals, right?

 

>/Looks like she is going to be the easy./ The Boss thought  
>approvingly at the girl's submission. 

Tom: Oh really? And what's the other girl going to be. The   
intermediate? The expert?

Crow: [Boss] Doesn't matter cause I use cheat codes!   
Mwahahahaha!!!

 

>Her sister launched herself to him, wanting to release his hold on  
>her sister's hair, only to be held back by Wong, who grabbed both  
>her wrist with an iron-grip. 

Joel: [Wong> Let the man do something with that hair, you  
owe her that much.

Tom: [sister, sobbing] You'd better be a licensed hairstylist!!

Joel: [Wong] Hey, I'm not just his goon, I'm a client.

 

>She could only squirm in futile as the other gang members in the  
>sleazy "comfort room" laughed at her.

Crow: Surprisingly, the zebra skin couch and naugahyde door  
did little to comfort her.

Joel: You can tell this place is out of the seventies, they carpeted  
their walls too.

 

>"Don't worry, you will receive a handsome pay for you services; after  
>all, my ladies don't come cheap." He gave both girls a toothy grin.

Crow: [Wong] Actually, they seldom come at all.

Tom: [Boss] *ahem* That will do, Wong.

 

>"Besides, you need money, don't you? From your bedraggled  
>appearances and less than fashionable clothes, I say that you two  
>must be living in the streets, right?" The silence from the girls  
>satisfied him. 

Tom: [short-haired girl, texting] Um... I can't even. Dude  
everybody in our class wears this shit.

Joel: [sister, texting] For realz. He's like 1000... so sad  
he's like, older than my dad! 

Tom: [short-haired girl, texting] OMG dying! XD!!! 

 

>" Just as I thought. Now, if you work for me, you don't have to live  
>in the streets no more. You can have a nice place to rest, good food  
>to eat, beautiful clothes to wear. Of course, at the cost of your  
>virginity…"

Crow: Offer void after ten years or overly saggy tits, whichever  
comes first.

 

>"Rot in hell first, creep, then maybe I will think about it." The  
>short-haired girl yelled back despite the pain she received from  
>Wong's grip.

Tom: [short-haired girl] I have a fetish for decomposed  
sinners! Nothing else gets me hot!

 

>The Boss gritted his teeth at her stubbornness. No doubt she was  
>going to get some sense whacked into her. 

Crow: Fortunately, his sense was only an inch long.

Tom: (snickers)

 

>As he stared at the 2 girls, he felt as though he had seen them  
>before. As if they had been to one of the underworld meetings  
>a few years ago… 

Joel: Yeah, one sold cigars and the other sold cigarettes.

 

>The Boss shook his head at the absurdity. No way this 2 pathetic  
>girls be in any criminal organization. They were too young and  
>beside, they don't even the mentality of a criminal.

Crow: [Boss, thinking] Why, I'll bet they aren't superstitious  
or cowardly at all!

Tom: [Boss] Guess I'm just going to have to sew packets of  
heroin into their clothes and send them on international adventures.

 

>"Enough," he intoned. " Take them to the penthouse to receive their  
>training." A few men grinned wolfishly at the 2 girls; they couldn't  
>wait to train these beauties. 

Joel: [man] Polishing the silver... ironing the linen... dusting  
the crystal chandeliers... man, it's gonna be SWEET!

Crow: [Short-haired girl] Ugh. Can't we just have sex instead?

 

>One man grabbed the long-haired girl when suddenly she fell  
>onto the floor, screaming her head off while convulsing on the  
>floor.

Tom: [man] If we turn her upside-down, maybe we could mop  
the floor with her hair.

Joel: Yeah, it'd be one loud mop though.

 

>Looking up in alarm, he saw the other girl doing the same thing.   
>Wong had to struggle to retain his grip on the spasming girl.

Crow: [Wong] T-T-They doesn't seem t-t-too keen on the  
idea, b-b-boss!

 

>/What's this? A ploy?/ Just as he finished his train of thoughts,  
>the girls cease their actions, their face lifeless as a stature  
>and their eye glowing red like an ancient demon. 

Tom: Whereas modern-day demons eyes glow a tasteful  
shade of turquoise.

Crow: Possession prevented a kidnapping! Yay, demons!

 

>"What is the meaning of this?!" No sooner the Boss exclaimed when  
>the short-haired girl swung her head back forcefully into Wong's  
>face. Wong released his grip, his hands covering his broken nose.  
>The girl then did a roundhouse kick to his head, sending him  
>crashing into the adjacent wall. 

Joel: [Wong] Going on break, boss. *thud*

Crow: Wow, he went down faster than an Andore.

Tom: Yet not one brain cell was damaged... it was living safely  
within all that bone and empty space.

 

>Meanwhile, the long-haired girl seemed to lose all her cowardice  
>and grabbed hold of the man's arm and twisted it. She was rewarded  
>with a loud 'snap' and the cry of pain from the man.

Joel: Yeah! Way to stick it to the man!

Crow: [long-haired girl] Society owes me!

 

>As the Boss and the other gang members took a step back in fear  
>and shock, something clicked in the Boss's mind. 

Tom: [Boss] Oh, he was Luke's father! Holy crap!

 

>Those lifeless face, those blank eyes… he desperately hoped they  
>were not who he thought they were.

Joel: The target audience for the Kardashians?

 

>If they were the 'Twin Empresses of Crime", the 2 devils who ruled  
>the Chinese underworld a few months back with an iron fist…

Tom: ...One wonders why Don Corneo here didn't recognize  
them earlier?

Crow: What, and give away the same plot twist we've had for   
the last eight chapters now? For shame!

 

>His hopes were shattered when the 2 girls announced their monikers  
>as they advanced to his quivering frame.

Joel: They're the Japanese Laverne and Shirley.

 

>"Designated codename: Xiayu. Online."  
>  
>"Designated codename: Jianyu. Online."

Tom: [Boss] asl?

Crow: [girls] ...

Tom: [Boss] Eh, it was a worth a shoAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHH...!!

 

>Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
>  
>"Eleven down. One to go."

Tom: They Were Eleven.

Joel: I forget, which doll is the newcomer again?

Crow: All of them.

 

>12

Tom: So far, twelve ways to leave your lover. Though they're fairly   
identical with the final dispositions.

 

>If someone ask her if she was cold, she would gladly snap the person's  
>neck in a fit of anger.  
>  
>The girl huddled into a tight ball, trying to conserve whatever little  
>warmth hat is left in her fragile body. 

Crow: Wait, are we still following the girls from the last chapter? 

 

>The small fire that she set up in the cave was her only companion;  
>unfortunately, It provided a pitiful amount of warmth for her, both  
>literally and metaphorically.

Joel: She aspired to be the god of hellfire but had to settle  
for roadie.

Tom: And she's burning.... what now?

Crow: The remains of the bear that wasn't buried by the cave-in.

Tom: Phew... oh, wait...

 

>The girl wore a flimsy parka that was a few sizes too big for her, a  
>thick turtleneck sweater and a faded scarf. That's all she wore to  
>face with the harsh Siberia cold. 

Crow: So she was naked from the waist down? What? It says right  
there, "that's all she wore". A keen and justified observation!

Tom: Luckily the girl's legs were far too hot to ever get cold.

 

>Why she would do such an insane stunt was a mystery to all  
>except for the lone mysterious figure who seek refuge in a cave  
>to shelter herself from a sudden blizzard.

Joel: Eh, she just wants to show up David Blaine.

 

>When she woke up 2 months ago, she found herself in a hospital room  
>all alone. Sitting up in shock from the foreign surrounding, the first  
>thing her instinct told her to do was to get the hell out of this place.

Joel: The giant ant threat was looming and she had to escape and find  
more direct evidence to convince the major of Lizard Breath to call out  
the National Guard.

Crow: Been playing Amiga games again, Joel?

Joel: Cinemaware rules!

 

>Of course she recognized it as a hospital after a while, a place which  
>is supposed to help her . It's just...the smell of disinfectants, the   
>sickness and death that lingered ominously in the air, it gave her a  
>unsettling feeling, as if she been there before...

Crow: She didn't remember House snarking on her the last time?

Tom: [girl] Oh yeah, that's right, they infected me with gonorrhea  
in order to get rid of my flu!

 

>Landing on her feet, she made a move for the door (which was slightly  
>ajar) that would no doubt led to the hallway when she caught her  
>appearance on a desk mirror beside her.

Crow: [girl] Oh, Richard! I'm a complete mess! I need foundation,   
like YESTERDAY! 

 

>The girl tried to blank out the memory of her face, the trauma she  
>suffered to this day. 

Joel: Sounds like somebody's ready for a new supervillain identity.

 

>Her scream alerted a few orderlies to her room and despite their best  
>attempts to restraint her; she managed to push past them and escape  
>from the hospital, all the while screaming in terror at what she saw. 

Crow: [girl] ARRRRGH!!! THE CONDITIONS OF THIS   
HOSPITAL ARE BOTH DEPLORABLE AND UNSANITARY!!!

Tom: Was it... a war-wilf?

Crow: Don't be silly, Pee-dur.

 

>Her outburst caught the attention of numerous people, but she didn't  
>care, didn't want to face their callous gaze...all she wanted to do is  
>to get out of here so no one can see her hideous countenance again...

Tom: What's worse, a callous gaze or a hideous countenance?

 

>She left Russia (she learnt about that much later) and into the   
>Siberian wastelands, where it is devoid of any life and more  
>importantly, any humans. 

Crow: Except for that one crazy lady telling everyone to just  
let it go.

Joel: The one who thinks she's a queen and throws snowballs at  
people and claims its magic?

Crow: Yeah, Sarah Palin.

Joel: Oh, her!

 

>Packing a few rations of food and water into a rucksack and  
>donning on her current outfit (all of which were stolen. She  
>held no qualms about it) and set off about 5 days ago. 

Crow: Holy crap, the author is cribbing the first ten minutes  
of "Anastasia".

Tom: Then who's Demitri?

Joel: Oh, that's a different Capcom game.

 

>She spent the previous time planning and engaging in whatever  
>illegal business in order to survive, all the while covering  
>her face with her scarf. 

Tom: [girl] I've got bootleg copies of 'Red Dawn', 'Hunt  
for Red October' and 'Rocky IV' here! First come, first serve!

 

>And now, here she was, all alone in the barren landscape where  
>everything was a beautiful white as far as the eyes could see.

Crow: (singing) Iiiiiiiiiiitttttt's SPRINGTIME, for Hitler, and   
Gerrrmanyyyyyyy...

 

>The girl gulped down a few drops of water from her almost weightless  
>canteen. Her rations were running out, about 2 days worth of them left.

Tom: I have a terrible feeling that we're going to be doing a cutaway,  
and then... IT'S COOKING! WITH ZANGIEF! GATHER AROUND, COMRADES!!

Crow: Eww, his pec sweat is dripping into the borscht...

Joel: Eww, it's borscht...

 

>Honestly, she didn't expect herself to be still alive; she estimated  
>that she would have died in the second day. Must be some dumb  
>will to live, though she not sure why. 

Crow: [girl] Curse this indomitable human spirit of mine!

Tom: Yet another Code Geass 'fic, eh?

Joel: Codename Geass: Inactive.

 

>She was a nobody, a nameless individual who had no memory of  
>who she was. What's there to live for?

Joel: Pizza. Duh!

Crow: Or, the 0.005% chance that there will be a season 2 of  
"Firefly".

 

>All of a sudden, the headache that tormented her mind resurfaced,  
>causing her to grit her teeth in pain.   
>  
>She rubbed her forehead furiously to get rid of it, but to no avail.   
>It just keep getting worse, like a knife edging slowly and steadily  
>into her brain.

Crow: But what the hell is she going to be murdering out here?

Tom: Jack Frost? Frosty the Snowman? Old Man Winter?   
How the hell should I know!?

Joel: [girl] I will attack... the darkness! *nerdy laugh*

 

>Giving up, she laid on her backpack. "So this is how death felt like."

Joel: Cold, lumpy and no booze. 

Tom: Sounds about right.

 

>She sighed in resignation of her fate. She wasn't upset; she just wished  
>she could have a second chance in life, instead of whatever hell she was  
>living.

Crow: Sadly, she simply wasn't enough of a fetishist to join a  
'Second Life' community.

 

>Closing her eyes, the girl waited patiently for her inevitable fate.  
>  
>It didn't happen.

Joel: [girl] I guess I have to starve first. Lovely.

 

>All of a sudden, a jolt of pain sent her body into a mad spasm. 

Crow: I think the whole world had that same reaction  
simultaneously when they announced "Transformers 5".

 

>At this point, the girl felt something seeping into her mind. 

Tom: [girl, singing] Negative b plus or minus the square  
root/ of b squared minus four a-c.... why the HELL is this  
coming up now?

 

>It felt as though ice-cold fingers were probing her brains. 

Tom: Then she shrieked as they probed something else.

Crow: Classy, Servo.

Tom: Always, my friend.

 

>Before the girl could express her displeasure of the feeling,  
>a flash of light blinded her vision before...

Crow: ...the 8:15 to Vladivostok came barrelling through.

Joel: [girl] Designated codename: Rail Pizza.

 

>The girl stood up, her skin no longer feeling the bitter cold. 

Crow: Yes, brainwashing! Not only does it prevent crime AND  
provide gainful employment opportunities, it'll knock that pesky  
hypothermia right out of ya!

 

>As she stepped out of the cave into the blizzard, one could see 2  
>red circles glowing in all the white and a voice intoned.

Tom: [Mr. Freeze, distorted voice] NORA? YOU'RE NOT NORA.

Joel: GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL.

 

>"Designated codename: Decapre. Online."

Crow: I call foul, I can't even get cell service in my bathroom  
but she gets activated in fucking Siberia?

 

>Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
>  
>"Twelve down. The operation has been completed, Lord Bison. "

Joel: All butterflies have been extracted from the stomach,  
Lord Bison.

Crow: [Lord Bison] Excellent. Now start collecting the bread  
from the basket and heaven help you if you touch the sides!

Tom: Oops, check the clock, we've gotta go, guys...

Joel: Hey, good timing! What's say we go check on our  
Halloween party?

Crow: Yeah, without us there, it's probably deader than Bill   
Cosby's career.

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater.)

 

* * *

 

THE HOLOCABANA

Despite Crow's prediction, the Halloween party was still in full  
swing when Joel and the bots entered. Just then, Gypsy came  
saddling up to them.

"Hey Joel? I hate to bug you but I've got a little problem..."   
Gypsy began.

"Oh yeah? What's the matter, Gypsy? You not having a good  
time?" Joel inquired.

"Oh no, the party's great and I'm having a lovely time. But a  
few minutes ago, I got this really bad headache..." Gypsy replied.

Crow and Tom immediately snapped to attention upon hearing  
this before looking at each other fearfully.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Gypsy. Maybe the music is too loud for you? I  
can adjust it if you like..." Joel said, concerned.

"Joel, we need to talk to you." Crow suddenly interrupted.

"It's urgent." Tom added.

"Uh, just a second, Gypsy!" Joel exclaimed before Crow and  
Tom practically dragged him away. "Ow, hey, what is it?"

"Joel, don't you see what's happening here? She's been  
brainwashed!" Tom hissed.

"What? Who?" Joel replied, confused.

"Gypsy! She's a sleeper assassin! She's going to wake up  
soon and kill us all!" Crow exclaimed in a hushed whisper.

"Right. I'm going now." Joel replied as he turned to leave.

"Just hear us out!" Tom pleaded. "Gypsy said she has a  
headache, when was the last time a ROBOT had a headache?"

"Every time we leave the theater?" Joel replied sardonically.

"Err... w-well, how often is GYPSY in the theater with us?   
Huh? Answer us that!" Crow pointed out.

"You guys... she's at a party with loud music, she probably  
had a few nips at the punch..." Joel tried to rationalize.

"Joel, NOBODY is going near the punch as long as Ilona   
is serving it!" Tom snapped back as Cambot panned over to the  
punch bowl where a teenaged goth punk girl was slowly stirring it  
with what appeared to be a used toilet brush.

"Fair point... but I'm sure it's nothing to worry about,  
guys..." Joel replied as the lights in the holocabana began to  
flash red. "Now make yourselves useful and find out what the Mads  
want while I help Gypsy out, okay?" Joel replied as he gently  
pulled himself away from the bots and walked back over to Gypsy.   
Tom and Crow looked at each other nervously before reluctantly  
leaving the Holocabana to answer the Mads call.

 

* * *

 

DEEP 13

"Oh, hey guys. Umm, I was just wondering if you guys managed  
to find some Raisinets for your party? They were all sold out at my  
local store and I'm REALLY jonesing for some raisin chocolates right  
about now." Frank pleaded as he wiped a bit of drool from his mouth.   
"If you can send some up through the umbiliport, I'm sure we can work  
out a fair..."

Just then the doorbell rang. "Oops, back in a sec, guys. We've  
got our first trick or treater!" Frank exclaimed excitedly as he  
rushed over to the door and pulled it open. 

Piano and clarinet music suddenly filled the air as a strange  
bearded man carrying a staff with a hand on top of it stood unsteadily  
on the doorstep. Packets of loose dirt fell from his filthy shirt,  
jacket and pants stretched over his enormous knees. 

"TriCK oR tReAT, sMeLL mY FeeT, g-giVe mE sOMEthInG gOoD  
tO EaT..." the strange man asked in a warbled voice.

"Hey Torgo! Happy Halloween! I really like your Pig-Pen  
costume!" Frank said as he cheerfully greeted him.

"i'M nOt pIg-pEn, yOu DoLT... i'M a z-zOMbiE... yOu kNoW... b-  
bRAins...!!" Torgo replied indignantly. 

"Frank! What's that horrible smell... oh, it's YOU." Dr. Forrester  
held one hand over his mouth and waved his other hand at Torgo to  
ward off the stench. "Ah geez, you're tracking dirt in all over the  
floor! When was the last time you showered!?"

"He's cosplaying as the undead, you know, a zombie." Frank  
pointed out.

"Who can tell?" Dr. Forrester grimaced before a realization struck  
him and a sinister plan came to mind. "Say, Frank... aren't YOU  
playing a zombie hunter or something right now?"

"Ehh, kinda. I'm cosplaying as photojournalist, Frank West! The  
original, not the new one!" Frank added quickly. "But yeah, I guess  
he sorta hunts zombies..."

"And what's Torgo cosplaying as again?" Dr. Forrester said,  
inwardly praying that Frank would connect the dots for once.

"A zom... OH!" Frank's eyes lit up! "Oh geez, this is gonna be  
my first kill! The first kill is always the most precious! I can't  
just use my bare hands for this! I... I need a SPECIAL combo weapon!   
Be back in a jiffy!" Frank exclaimed as he ran off-camera towards  
his room and the sounds of grinding metal and duct tape tearing could  
be heard in the distance.

Dr. Forrester sighed. "You might as well go, Torgo. When Frank  
gets into a project, he could be in there for days. Here, have some  
candy...." Dr. Forrester picked up a handful of caramels from one of  
the large bowls of candy and tossed them at Torgo, a few of them  
sticking to his clothes.

"tHaNk yOU vErY MuCh..." Torgo replied before holding up a  
small wooden box with a slot in the middle. "woULd yOU liKe tO  
mAKe A DoNAtiON? ThE MaSTeR woULd aPPrOvE..."

"Fine, fine!" Dr. Forrester snapped as he reached into his  
pocket and dropped a dime into the box. "Now, beat it before I  
get the hose!" he threatened as Torgo quickly spun around and  
wobbled off. 

As Dr. Forrester slammed the door shut, he scowled as he  
noticed the dirt Torgo left on the floor. "FRANK! Get in here  
and..." he was drowned out by another loud squeal of metal. "Oh,  
never mind, I'll do it!" he sighed as he went to get a broom and  
dustpan, only to pause as he noticed a commotion on one of the  
monitors. Turning up the volume, he saw it was coming from  
the Holocabana feed.

"Joel? What the sam hell is going on down there!?"

 

* * *

 

THE HOLOCABANA

"AHHHHHHHH!!!" Tom and Crow screamed in terror as   
Joel struggled in vain to remove his head from Gypsy's mouth.   
Her usual cheerful yellow eye had turned a scary blood red   
colour, which combined with her Elvira costume, made her look   
that much more terrifying yet sexy. 

"Somebody help! She's killing Joel and it's turning me on!   
And that makes me REALLY uncomfortable!" Crow cried out to the   
other party goers. Unfortunately, they had only been programmed   
to provide ambiance and engaging conversation to the party and   
were thus oblivious to Crow's pleas.

"Oh lord! She's GUMMING him to death! Wow, that's hot... uh,  
I mean... Oh, the HUMANITY!" Tom wailed.

Suddenly Joel's body went slack and Gypsy finally released  
him as he dropped to the floor, unmoving. She smacked her lips   
before slowly turning to face a horrified Crow and Tom, her one  
eye glowing menacingly and spoke in a flat monotone.

"Designated codename: Eggplant Wizard. Online."

"RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!!!" Crow cried out in his best  
Graham Chapman impression as he fled through the doors, Tom  
wailing as he followed suit. After the Holocabana's doors closed,   
Gypsy began to chuckle and her headlight returned to its natural  
yellow colour as she leaned down to whisper to Joel on the floor.

"You can get up now, Joel. We fooled them!" 

Joel's eyes popped open and he grinned at Gypsy as they  
shared a laugh. "I know we're being cruel but sometimes it's just  
so easy..." Joel remarked as he rose back to his feet.

"Hey, they started it!" Gypsy snapped before facing Cambot.   
"Yesterday, right before my big date with Richard Basehart, they  
secretly reprogrammed him to talk like Gilbert Gottfried and when  
Richard started ranting about some aristocrats, I thought I'd die  
of embarrassment!" she explained.

"Well, I think it's safe to say you got them back. By the way,   
how's your headache doing?" Joel replied with a smile.

"Oh, MUCH better. Seriously though, thanks for helping me  
out, Joel." Gypsy replied, grateful.

"Anytime, Gypsy." Joel replied before the party's music was  
interrupted by Magic Voice. "Commercial sign in 15 seconds..." 

"Shoot, I'd better head back to the bridge for now. Have a  
good time!" Joel said as he walked out the door while Gypsy  
nodded and resumed her mingling with the holographic guests.

"Commercial sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... commercial sign  
now." Magic Voice chimed in before suddenly turning husky. "Hey  
Cambot, it's time to play with me... care to connect my dots,   
la la la la?" she purred.

The picture seemed to tint a bright red as Cambot quickly  
faded to black.

 

TO BE CONTINUED IN '12 MONTHS AND A YEAR' PT. 2...

 

Hiya! I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far! As with my   
other multiple part MSTings, there's lots more fun and weirdness  
to come, so don't skip it or you'll only be missing out on some  
great riffing and skits. ;p


	2. Chapter 2

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*  
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

 

(The future isn't what it used to be...)

 

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE)

EPISODE 50: 12 MONTHS AND A YEAR PT. 2

(A Street Fighter MSTing)

MSTed From the Desks of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz  
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.  
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment  
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or  
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be  
inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc.  
are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc.  
Just covering our collective asses here folks...

"Street Fighter" is the property of Capcom and all the  
distributors of their work.

"12 Months and a Year" is the property of sske. We attempted to  
contact the author by e-mail but there was no reply and we sincerely  
hope they don't take offence to this MSTing of their work. It's all  
meant in good fun. ;p

Warning: This fanfic contains mature content, adult language and  
scenes of extreme violence.

 

* * *

(Door 6: It's a bathroom stall door with writing on it. It says  
"THERE WAS A TOILET HERE, IT'S GONE NOW. You frown and hold  
your nose as you pass through it.)

(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator with an eerie green glow  
coming from it. Both sets of doors open for you but just before  
you can step on it, it suddely drops down at a frightening speed.  
A few moments later, you hear a loud crashing noise and terrified  
screams of people. You manage to jump over the shaft hole and  
continue on.)

(Door 4: It's made of loose teeth. You quickly grab all the  
pillows you can find, sweep the teeth into a pile and throw the  
pillows over them in hopes of a giant payday from the tooth fairy.

(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed animals. That is to say,  
REAL cute stuffed animals. You shudder and do your best not to  
touch them with your hands as you move on.)

(Door 2. It's made of black tar. The smell nearly overwhelms you  
as Johnathan Frakes face briefly emerges from it, his mouth open  
in a silent scream before sinking back in. Then an Ankh floats  
from behind you and touches the tar door. It vanishes as you hear  
a child laugh in the distance.)

(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing  
a drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. Suddenly a guy  
dressed as a knight shoves past you, nearly knocking you into  
the moat where a tentacled monster start to rise. You quickly  
hit up on your joystick and then right to quickly cross the  
drawbridge before it can get you and you are rewarded with  
a fanfare of trumpets.)

(Door .7: It's a swirling orange vortex. Suddenly a large furry  
hand reaches out of its center, pets you on the head and calls you  
George before pulling you inside.)

 

Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his  
arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.  
Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the  
theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater  
seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.

 

Tom: So you're alive, huh? I should've known...

Crow: I knew it all along! I was just playing the part so I  
could tease Gypsy about it later!

Joel: Yeah, keep telling yourself that, sucker.

Crow: Grrrr...

 

>Chapter 3: Returns

Crow: [Bison] I *told* you that I ordered twelve dolls but only  
received eleven! Siberia!? Why the holy hell did you deliver  
one there!? I refuse to pay for this!

 

>/The hulking figure stumbled blindly in the midst of the chaos, his  
>hands clawing the air, trying to grab onto something to allow him  
>to get his bearings for a moment. /

Tom: Sorry, Hulk, you've got at least another five or six years  
to go before Marvel Vs. Capcom 4 gets out of development hell.

Joel: [Hulk] HULK NO LIKE LIMBOOOOOOOOO...!!!

 

>/Chun-Li watched silently, one hand placed onto the crumbling  
>wall to support herself while the other crutched her wounded  
>stomach. /

Crow: [Chun-Li] Shouldn't... have tried... the shrimp... *burp*...  
owagggh...

 

>/Her body was tense in anticipation, waiting for her foe to attack  
>her. /

Joel: Unfortunately, Player 2 had an abrupt bathroom emergency  
and forgot to pause the game. 

 

>/The building they were in was collapsing, thanks to the explosion  
>caused by the C4s they used to blow up the Psycho Drive. /

Tom: [Chun-Li] Next time... longer fuses.

 

>/Around them, the place was an inferno. Flames engulfed the  
>crumbling building, spreading their boiling rage through  
>everything in their way. /

Joel: Yet, cool guys don't look at explosions...

 

>/The wild creature of fire refused to be tamed, growing more and  
>more wild by each second. /

Crow: [Chun-Li] Ugggh... can anyone spare a Rolaid? The Kung-Pao  
chicken just declared war on my stomach and made allies with the  
shrimp... *burp*...

 

>/The dizzying radiant heat from the blazes pulled Chun Li in  
>deeper into the burning abyss as she struggled to fight it. The  
>unwithstandable scent of smoke reeked in her nostrils, scorching  
>and sweltering hot. Sweat dripped down her forehead and into her  
>mouth, giving her a salty and bitter taste there. /

Tom: [Chun-Li] Eww, it's like being in the officer's sauna at  
Interpol all over again!

 

>/Confirming that her nemesis was too weak and disorientated to  
>do any harm to her, Chun Li turned and climbed up the metal  
>ladder behind her. /

Joel: Wait, did we just achieve crossover with Resident Evil 3?

Tom: So her goal is to burn her hands off? Hokay.

 

>/Despite how hot the metal was, she continued to persevere, knowing  
>very well that if she just throw in the towel, she would be consumed  
>by the ravenous crimson flames below her. /

Crow: Fortunately, her fanservice-y towel was made of asbestos. 

Tom: [Chun-Li] Whew! I'd welcome a gratuitous nude shower scene  
about now!

 

>/As she gritted her teeth and continued to climb, tears welling up  
>in her eyes, the man beneath her gave out a cry or anguish, his  
>body engulfed in flames. /

Tom: [Mustafa from Austin Powers] I'm badly burned!!

Joel: Another Sims character tries to cook for the first... and  
last time.

 

>/"Chun Li!" He roared like a wounded lion, raising his  
>flames-covered hands in the air. /

Crow: [Chun-Li, evilly] Long live.. the king!

Joel: [Simba] Noooooooo!

 

>/"Do not think that a miserable worm like you can hope to defeat me!  
>I will return, you hear me?! I WILL RE-"Just then, a huge chunk of  
>debris from the ceiling came crashing down onto the man, prematurely  
>ending his rant. /

Tom: [ceiling] I hate clichés.

 

>/Chun Li looked back down at the pit of hell, a look of defiant in  
>her face. /

Joel: And then, suddenly... sadness and regret.

Crow: The corpse of your enemy never burns long enough, does it?

 

>/"Oh, just die already, you freak." She whispered solemnly. /

Tom: [Bison] I shall NOT! As you see, player one has inserted....

Joel: [Chun-Li] Not the discs of reanimation! NOoooooOOOooOOOOOO!!

 

>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Crow: The scene changes are desperate to convince us there's  
buried treasure here...

 

>Chun Li woke up from her slumber with a start, at first unsure what  
>disturbed her. 

Tom: Then she rolled over and cuddled her Bison-sama.

 

>Then, she heard a distinguished ringing noise and groaned. It seemed  
>that it was morning already and it felt like she just slept for a few  
>seconds. 

Joel: [Chun-Li] *yawns* That's what I get for springing for  
the John Cleese ringtone...

 

>Wearily, with her eyes shut tight, she lifted her hand to her tableside  
>and forcefully pushed the button on the alarm clock. However, the  
>ringing did not stop. Surprised, she opened her beady eyes to see an  
>illuminated object resting on her tableside.  
>  
>Her cell phone.

Crow: [Chun-Li] Oh shit! I almost forgot to feed my virtual  
kitties! Princess Stinky needs her num-nums!

 

>Muttering curses, she picked it up and squinted her eyes at the  
>sudden glare. The name "Cammy" stared back at her. 

Tom: [Chun-Li] Friends don't get friends out of bed at ungodly hours.

Joel: [Cammy] 2:30 in the afternoon?

Tom: [Chun-Li] Exactly!

 

>Looking at the time in her phone, she found out it was 3:49 am.  
>Doing a quick calculation, she realised in was about 8:49pm in  
>the UK. 

Crow: Enjoy hot waking up action!

Joel: Will she order room service?

Crow: Will she watch TV in her underwear?

Tom: Will Prince William ever get out of her room and back into  
the loving embraces of the Duchess of Kent?

 

>/Why is she calling me this early? Must be something important. /  
>She tapped the confirm button.  
>  
>"Cammy?"  
>  
>"Chun Li." Cammy's voice sounded serious, too serious. 

Crow: [Cammy] I AM YOUR FATHER.

Joel: Not THAT serious.

 

>Other times, she would sound peppy over the phone, but now,  
>she sounded as though someone closed to her had died. 

Joel: [Cammy] Bison's back, and he's AT MY DOOR!

Tom: [Chun-Li] Sheesh, just take the pizzas he delivered and  
just give him like a dollar tip.

Joel: [Cammy] But there's all this history... two bucks?

Crow: [Bison] All who undertip me shall be destroyed!

 

>Chun Li's curiosity turned up a notch. "What is it?" she questioned.  
>There was silence for a moment, before Cammy's voice returned  
>strained. 

Tom: [Cammy] P-Pore Jud is DAID!! (sobs)

Crow: [Chun-Li] (sighs) I'll put on some coffee.

 

>"You know Juni? One of the Dolls I found a few months ago?" 

Tom: [Cammy] She's got one eye that moves and follows me  
around all the time, it's kind of creepy.

 

>"Of course." Chun Li came all the way to the UK to personally  
>interrogate her about Shadaloo, but upon finding out nothing  
>from the amnestic girl left her in Cammy's capable hands. 

Crow: Actually, she came for the Spice Girls reunion but  
"personal interrogation" looked better on her "official" report.

Joel: Oh, and here I thought that she left China for all that  
great British food.

Tom: [Chun-Li] Oh, spotted dick! How I've missed you!

 

>"She... she started to act strangely a few days ago, complaining  
>about headaches that wouldn't go away, and this evening...she showed  
>signs of the Psycho Power." 

Crow: Usually around once a month.

Tom: NOW who's being classy, Crow?

Crow: Heh.

 

>A cool breeze entered the room, causing Chun Li to unconsciously  
>shivered in spite her shock. 

Tom: Billy Dee Williams had arrived.

Joel: When I said *every time*, I  
meant it, baby.

 

>Her breathe was caught in her mouth, unable to be released, her  
>eyes widened considerably. 

Crow: Holy crap, that was some majorly time-delayed Ecstasy.

Joel: ^_^...^0^...X_X

Tom: You can say that again... I think.

 

>"Are...are you sure?" she asked shakily, feeling faint.  
>  
>"Yes, she attacked me before fleeing the scene. Can't say I escaped  
>with just a few bruises." Cammy chuckled humourlessly. 

Tom: [Cammy] I'm in traction right now, the nurse is holding  
the phone for me... and her fingers reek of nicotine... bleah!

 

>Chun Li took a deep breathe to compose herself before replying,"  
>I will be booking the next flight for the UK the first thing in the,  
>erm, morning. 

Joel: [Chun-Li] Let me check around here for Carmen Sandiego first.

 

>Tell Guile to meet us at your place too. I'm sure he would be very  
>interested at this recent development." 

Crow: Guile seems more the type interested in "free buffet".

Joel: Not to mention "free hair gel".

 

>Ending the conversation, Chun Li placed her face on her hands  
>and sobbed, her tears slipping through the cracks between her  
>fingers. 

Tom: Anyone else getting a visual image of Chun-Li's  
detached face in her hands?

Crow: My god, she's a REPLOID! Who knows when she'll  
go Maverick!?

 

>Why, God, why wouldn't this nightmare end? She cried out in despair.  
>  
>Only the howl from the morning wind answered her question. 

Joel: Are you sure that this isn't the air conditioning talking?

 

>Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

Crow: Congratulations, Doctor! The scene change was a success!

 

>I presume they are all here?" The man boomed, his voice reverberating  
>in the room he called his 'throne room'. 

Tom: Morning wind, throne room... I'm sensing a pattern here.

Joel: Yeah, too much cheese and pepperoni.

 

>The elderly man nodded quickly, a lab coat covering his diminutive  
>frame. Being a dwarf in the same room as a giant can be...oppressing. 

Crow: Wow, Dexter's still at it, huh. Good for him.

 

>A single drop of sweat snaked its way down his wrinkled forehead. 

Tom: Hey kids! Can you get the sweat drop down to its  
destination and avoid all the obstacles? Just grab yourselves a pencil  
and start here!

 

>"Of course, master, they are all here, present and accounted for." The  
>man smiled nervously, avoiding eye contact with the other man's  
piercing gaze. 

Joel: [elderly man] An even dozen, just like you asked for.

Crow: [master] And... the flavor?

Joel: [elderly man] B-B-Boston Creme, master. 

Crow: [master] YESSSSS...

 

>A smirk creeped onto the younger man's face. 

Tom: Oftentimes if you're smirking, you're already a creep.

 

>"Very well, send them in"  
>  
>With a snap of a finger, the door swung open and 12 girls marched  
>in like soldiers into the room. 

Crow: His plans were undone once each of the girls realized that  
they were... wearing the same uniforms.

Tom: Twelve-way catfight!

Joel: Awesome.

 

>Theirs eyes see nothing and their faces held a placid expression. 

Tom: Much like a Bethesda character.

Crow: Or a bevy of Ben Steins.

 

>All the clothes which they wore a few days ago changed into the  
>familiar Shadaloo Doll uniform, with their air stewardess-like cap  
>perched smartly on their head. 

Joel: Skycap Soldiers ASSEMBLE!

 

>"Report!" The man commanded.  
>  
>All the girls raised their hand to their hand in salute and stood stiffly. 

Crow: [the man] I don't remember telling you to start a love train,  
but that works too.

 

>"Enero reporting."  
>  
>"Février reporting."  
>  
>"März reporting." 

Tom: With us now live via satellite, is Rei Hino. Rei,  
what's the situation down there?

Crow: Couldn't we just pull a Gundam Wing on this and just  
number them?

 

>"Aprile reporting." 

Joel: O'Neil?

Tom: I wish.

 

>"Satsuki reporting."  
>  
>"Juni reporting."  
>  
>"Juli reporting." 

Joel: (singing) Robot Roll Call!

Crow: Cute, Joel.

 

>"Santamu reporting."  
>  
>"Xiayu reporting." 

Joel: Lois Lane reporting.

Tom: Summer Gleeson reporting.

 

>"Jianyu reporting."  
>  
>Noembelu reporting."  
>  
>"Decapre reporting." 

Tom: Why not something more out of the ordinary, like  
Canadian territories and provinces?

Crow: Yeah, you could've added a thirteenth prologue!

Joel: Go kill Ryu, Alberta! You too, Prince Edward Island!

 

>"Well done Doctor, for a moment I thought you have failed  
>me." The man's grin grew wider.  
>  
>"Preposterous, sir, you put too little faith on me." The old man  
>said, a heavy load lifted from his shoulder.  
>  
>"Give my Dolls any further enhancement you have developed  
>over the past 2 months of my absence. You better not disappoint  
>me on that aspect." The man gave his subordinate a death glare  
>to prove his point. 

Joel: [Doctor] Sooo... D Cups for the lot of them?

Tom: [Master] At a minimum.

Crow: Oh, someone feels like trying the mods before going  
into the main plotline, eh?

 

>"Of course sir. Now off you go." The old man ushered the mindless  
>soldier out of the room. 

Crow: [old man] Daddy needs some little blue pills.... QUICKLY!

 

>"Oh yes, and Doctor?" The man suddenly piped out, halting the old  
>man in his tracks. "Yes sir?" he asked fearfully, his mind rummaging  
>through his memories to find any wrongdoings he did. 

Joel: [Doctor, thinking] He found out about the internet  
bill, I just know it!

 

>"Once you are done prepping them up, I want them prepared for their  
>first mission in a long time."  
>  
>"Which is, sir?' 

Tom: [Master] They're going undercover as exotic dancing  
model masseuses who moonlight as call girls for a bikini disco dancing  
competition to expose corruption, drugs and murder at the local  
roller rink.

Joel: [Doctor] Whatever you say, Charlie.

 

>"To capture an old thorn on my side, Doctor." The man laughed drily,  
>sparks of purple electricity darted wildly from his fingers. 

Tom: Whoa! Wait a minute! The mysterious man is Emperor  
Palpatine?

Crow: Isn't it just like Star Wars to invade ANOTHER fighting  
game series... wasn't ruining 'Soul Calibur' enough for you jerks!?

 

>"It seems we are going to have a new addition to the Dolls unit."

Tom: Oh great, does that mean we have to suffer through HER  
prologue as well?

Crow: Heaven forbid it's a Ken doll. Sexist creep.

 

>Chapter 4: Reunion

Joel: Omigod! I missed you guys SO MUCH and I never  
thought I'd see you again...!!

Crow: Yeah, great, who are you again? Never mind, just give  
me your lunch money.

 

>Guile ran his hand over his fine flattop hair, sitting rigidly on the  
>waiting room chair, years of military training and discipline clearly  
>shown from his posture.

Tom: But definately lacking from his "fine flattop hair".

 

>To say he was unhappy about the situation they were in was the  
>understatement of the year. He was downright furious and irritated.

Crow: He found out that VA coverage in the States amounts to a  
container of placebos and a hearty handshake.

 

>As the wave of medical personnel and patients passed by him (they  
>almost seemed like a blur to him), Guile closed his eyes and tenderly  
>rubbed his throbbing forehead, feeling an impending headache.

Tom: Oh NO! 

Crow: They brainwashed the MALE fighters too!?

Joel: That means... dozens more prologues! 

All: NOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

>A few minutes flew by before he heard a familiar voice  
>called his name.

Crow: GUILE WINS!

Joel: [Guile] Oh, shut up! I'm not even fighting!

Crow: TIME UP!

Joel: [Guile] *sighs*

Tom: [deep voice] FATALITY!

Joel: [Guile] Hey, wait up a second...

 

>"Guile! Over here!" the feminine voice yelled out, nearly  
>drowned by the din in the hospital. This prompted the  
>airman to open his eyes, searching for the source of the  
>voice.  
>  
>And there she was.

Crow: Suddenly, 'How To Save a Life' by The Fray began playing.

Tom: 'Guile's Anatomy', Season Finale, this Thursday on ABC.

 

>Funny, considering how after the supposed 'fall' of Shadolaw,  
>the 3 of them hardly meet each other face to face anymore, and  
>remaining in contact with each other was out of question. 

Joel: Uh, why exactly?

Crow: [Cammy] Things got a little wild at the after party... we  
all drank a little too much and now... *cough*... there may be a video  
or three for sale floating around the internet...

Tom: [Chun-Li] I told you that Joe Francis guy couldn't  
be trusted!

 

>It was as if Shadolaw brought them together, giving them a cause  
>to fight alongside with each other: 

Tom: [Chun-Li] As if!

Joel: [Cammy] Yeah, we totally hooked up on Ashley Madison! 

 

>Guile lost his best friend Charlie, Chun li's father died in the  
>hands of that murderous fiend, and Cammy…have some /family /  
>relationship with the dictator.

Crow: Well, technically Cammy IS full of Bison.

Joel: (groans)

 

>After his death, the bond between them slowly but steadily dissolved,  
>like snow melting when spring approaches. 

Tom: Or like an acid reacting within a solution by precipitating a  
compound.

Crow: Once again, this has been Mystery SCIENCE Theater 3000.

 

>In those 2 months, Guile took a break and decided to make  
>lost time with his family. 

Crow: Until Bison met his wife... now Guile has to split custody of his  
little ones with Shadaloo.

 

>Julia and Amy were elated over this, especially Julia, who was  
>glad she need not worry whether her husband was going to  
>return in one piece.

Joel: She really sucked at jigsaw puzzles.

 

>Those were the best 2 months he had in his life.

Crow: [Guile] FINALLY caught up on my Netflix list, sweet.

Joel: [Guile] Kids, grab daddy another brewski! Best family  
bonding time EVER!

 

>Unfortunately, this peaceful visage was shattered like glass with a  
>single phone call by Cammy 2 nights ago.

Tom: [Cammy] I'm pregnant, Poison's the father and I'm  
gonna KILL ALL THREE OF US!!!

Crow: [Guile] Hoo boy, give me a sec... Honey? Do we  
have any dip left?

 

>Guile gazed upon the newcomer, observing that she scantly  
>changed at all since the last time they met. 

Tom: He knew things was serious when she didn't even  
bother to swap her color palette.

 

>Perhaps she seemed more tired; her eyes devoid of any vigour or  
>fighting spirt in them, eye bags hung noticeably under her eyes.  
>She looked worse off than him.

Joel: [Chun-Li] Eye bag collection was Friday and I  
missed it!

 

>Chun Li took a seat beside him, letting a weary moan as she  
>did do. She adjust her unkempt her hairs she stared exhaustedly  
>at Guile.

Crow: [Chun-Li] What the hell was I just doing again?

Joel: [Guile] *shrugs*

 

>"How did it go?"  
>  
>"Smoothly." Guile replied sarcastically as he crossed his arms to  
>his chest, letting out a sigh. 

Tom: [Guile] Like spreading peanut butter on a pineapple.

 

>"When I told Julia about the possible revival of Shadolaw, she  
>looked at me with disbelief and started reminding me that the  
>organization is gone, 

Crow: [Julia] Ever since they started sampling their own  
product, it's been absenteeism city over there!

 

>before changing tactics and begging me to stay, to allow sleeping  
>dogs to lie. 

Joel: [Guile] But honey, if I don't give them their shots,  
who will?

 

>When this didn't work, she just turned her back to me, sobbing  
>as she said "just go, then. I can't stop you. Nobody can." 

Joel: [Julia] Don't go away mad... just go away.

Crow: Is this where they cue the montage?

Tom: (singing) THERE'S NO EASSSY WAY OUTTT...!!

 

>It pained my heart to do this, but I must. And when I was leaving,  
>my little angel asked me innocently when I will be back…I was  
>lost for words."  
>  
>"Looks like some people just wouldn't die, huh?" Chun Li gave a  
>humourless smile.

Crow: [Guile] I know, right? Drowning her obviously didn't  
work and now she's more annoying than ever!

 

>"When I get my hands on that son of a bitch, I going to beat the living  
>crap out of him and breaking all his fucking bones." Guile grumbled,  
>his hands tightening into clenched fist.

Tom: [Chun-Li] Yeah, yeah, and you're going to kick that  
son-of-a-bitch Bison's ass so HARD that the next Bison wanna-be  
is gonna feel it, right?

Joel: [Guile] Oh, just go home already.

 

>Before Chun Li could respond, a pink-hair nurse in blue hospital scrubs  
>approached them, squeezing pass the sea of people with difficulty.

Crow: [pink-hair nurse] Sorry for the wait, there's two anime  
series and an OVA ahead of you.

 

>"Monsieur Guile?" The woman-though she appeared to be more of a  
>teenage-girl smiled warmly.

Tom: It's anime. She could be anything from a well-developed middle  
schooler to a 800-year-old entity slumming on Earth for any contrived  
reason.

 

>"That's me," Guile said gruffly as he stood up, nodding his head in  
>affirmation.  
>  
>"Ms White is now able to see you. Would you follow me?" She then caught sight of  
>Chun Li, who was also getting up. "I presume you are seeing Ms White too, /ou  
>avez-vous pas ? /''

Tom: [Chun-Li] No, I'm here to enjoy the April fresh scent of  
disinfectant and death.

 

>''Yes.'' Chun LI replied, taking note of the girl's accent. It sounded  
>French, though it seemed as if she was trying to mask it for some reason  
>or another. 

Crow: [Nurse as Officer Crabtree] Good moaning to the poo of  
you. Would you lick to butt some diffidells and doses for your friend  
before you pee her?

 

>Looking at the girl's face closely, which was partially  
>covered with a surgeon mask, Chun Li felt a pang of recognition, but  
>she could not remember when or where she saw her before.

Tom: Nurse Joy #331 accepted a temporary transfer from the  
Pokemon center in Paris.

Joel: [Chun-Li] Waitasecond.... Mom?!

 

>/Must be seeing things/ was the conclusion she arrived to as they made  
>their way to Cammy's room.

Crow: [Chun-Li] After all, I've seen a million pink-haired girls that  
look too young to be holding down jobs.

 

>Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Joel: It's clearly a crosstitch sampler... "Bless this Happy Mess".

 

>The 3 of them entered the rather tiny room, which almost everything was  
>glaring white, from the walls to the ceiling, from the bedsheets to the  
>floor. 

Tom: [Chun-Li] AHHH! DEATH! (runs away)

Crow: [Nurse] Huh?

Joel: [Guile] Don't mind her, it's a Chinese thing.

 

>Only the blue window curtain offered any colour in this dull room.

Crow: [Cammy] I wish my wounds would reopen so I could  
brighten my sheets up a bit.

 

>Both Guile and Chun Li's eyes fell onto the resting form of one of their  
>comrades, her right leg wrapped in a cast and suspended mid-air from  
>the ceiling. 

Joel: Sounds like a Dr. Forrester invention. 

Crow: [Dr. Forrester] Why should you use your limbs when they can be  
so much more beneficial to everyone else around you? Oh, Frannnnnk...

Tom: Dammit Crow, stop imitating him. It's almost like he's  
just across from me in the theater.

 

>Bandages bounded her forehead, somewhat giving the 2 of them a  
>surreal feeling. 

Joel: [Cammy] In retrospect, it was a bad time to try adding  
headbutts to my moveset.

 

>None of them have seen Cammy in such a state before;

Crow: [Chun-Li] How the hell did you end up in Nebraska anyway?

 

>after all, she was an outstanding fighter who can defend herself from  
>any threats, even managed to go toe to toe with for a few minutes when  
>they last encountered the infamous dictator.

Joel: Fidel Castro?

Tom: Kim Jong Un?

Crow: Strong Bad?

Tom: Only if the player manages to spam Spiral Arrow for four of  
those five minutes.

 

>It would seem that 's power had increased drastically since their  
>last encounter. 

Tom: Ah geez, we're back to this again? Why would the  
nameless tribal guy with mammoth hands beat up Cammy?

Crow: Just call him T. Hawk.

Tom: Hey, I will if the fanfic will!

 

>For a Doll to simply beat her black and blue…It was almost  
>inconceivable.

Joel: You keep using those words, I do not think it means what you  
think it means.

 

>Not to say that the Dolls weren't a threat. Each of them wields  
>part of the Psycho Power which enhanced their body, 

Tom: The doll with the enhanced lips was especially terrifying.

Crow: Be careful of the one with the strong tongue, she'll lick you good.

Joel: Of course, the one with the powerful knees just takes care of  
the place while the Master is away.

 

>but due to their lifeless and robotic behaviour, it wasn't that hard to  
>beat them as long as you have superior fighting skills.

Crow: Or a super-strong magnet to scramble their brainwaves.

Tom: Just wrap some wire around Blanka, he'll give you a  
good electromagnet.

 

>So there was no way Cammy could have been beaten so badly, even  
>if she was caught in surprise.  
>  
>It could only be the worst case scenario.

Joel: So what was it, Cammy versus.... chocolate and wine?

Crow: (chuckles) Why not? Capcom's practically challenged  
everyone else!

 

>The nurse closed the door with a 'click' as Guile and Chun Li  
>approached the bed.

Tom: [Guile] Hey, are you going to finish that overly-dry chicken  
breast and the soggy macaronis?

Crow: [Cammy] That's my puke, Guile.

Tom: [Guile] So you ARE finished with it?

 

>"Cammy…" Chun Li called out, her hands gripping tightly onto the  
>railing beside the bed.  
>  
>Cammy slowly opened her eyes and let out a weak smile.

Joel: [Cammy] She's gone, got any of the good stuff for me now?

 

>"Hey guys. Sorry to have you seeing me like this on our first  
>reunion." Cammy said before giving out a small cough.

Crow: [Cammy] Free coughs? Anyone?

Tom: [Guile] I'm good.

Joel: [Chun-Li] I filled up on the plane.

 

>"It's good to see you." Both Guile and Chun Li said in union, before  
>looking at each other awkwardly. 

Tom: I now pronounce you dork and dorkier.

 

>Cammy's smile grew wider before shrinking when she returned to  
>'business' mode.

Crow: [Cammy] Guile... you're fired.

Joel: [Chun-Li] Woo hoo! Promotion!

 

>"I'm sure you both know why I called you. It seemed, no, it is  
>guaranteed that Shadolaw is back. There is no doubt about it."

Tom: [Cammy] Eight, seven central... on NBC!

Crow: And cancelled after just two episodes.

 

>"Are you sure? Just because that Doll you had with you go berserk  
>doesn't mean he's back. Maybe there is a screw loose in her mind after  
>all the experiments Shadolaw did on her." Guile rebuked.

Joel: She was subjected to all of the failed pilots.

Crow: Shadaloo Blue... no. Two Girls, a Guy and a Shadaloo..... no. 

Tom: Shadaloo and Winnie the Pooh Too.... definitely not.

 

>Cammy's eyebrows knitted together as she replied, "I wish I could say  
>that the revival of Shadolaw is on shaky ground, but from the way she  
>acted, and the dark aura surrounding her…

Crow: And the fact that the entire plot depends on it or we've  
been spinning our wheels at Mach 3...

 

>There is no question that the Psycho Power is behind this." "How can  
>we say for certain? Maybe it was just the remains of the Psycho Power  
>in her?" Chun Li piped in.

Tom: Yeah, maybe she's just running on Psycho fumes at this point?

 

>Cammy sighed. "The Psycho Power can't act on its own, it needs a  
>wielder in order to be functional. The only known people who can do so  
>successfully is Bison and myself. Since I'm a novice in controlling it,  
>that leaves Bison."

Joel: [Cammy] Believe me, I've tried to control the Dolls for my  
own twisted ends, but it's really freaking hard!

 

>Guile slammed his fist on the tableside, causing Chun Li to jump in  
>surprise and Cammy to jerk on her bed. "Damn it, how can we kill this  
>buster? 

All: (laughs)

Crow: Damn, Guile's done gone Gangsta, son!

 

>Everything we tried only ends with failure!" Just as sudden as  
>his fit came, it stopped, his shoulders slumped in defeat and sense  
>of hopelessness.

Tom: [Guile] Someone get me a bed and a large shot of ketamine, stat.

 

>Chun LI placed a comforting arm around Guile. "Don't be dejected.  
>When there's a will. There's a way."

Crow: [Guile] You just got that off the poster in the nurse's break  
room, didn't you?

Joel: [Chun-Li] Hang in there, baby!

 

>"I'm having doubt on the 'will' part." Guile muttered, his face  
>downcast. Chun Li ignored his comment and turned to Cammy. 

Tom: [Chun-Li] Got some valium?

Joel: [Cammy] About two hours ago.

 

>"So what's our first course of action?"  
>  
>"Well." Cammy said as she adjusted herself carefully into a comfortable  
>position. "Colonel Wolfman decided to place a tracking device on Juni,  
>just in case of…situation like this. 

Crow: Well, clap for the Wolfman! Maybe military intelligence  
*isn't* a myth.

Tom: Well technically, he was under orders from General Mummy.

 

>As we are speaking, Delta Red are now tracking her down. Hopefully  
>they will be able to find where Bison is hidi-"  
>  
>Suddenly, Cammy's eyes widened as she stared passed her 2 visitors  
>in shock.

Crow: [Cammy] Is that Patch Adams!? Oh wow! I've been  
looking forward to this!

 

>"GUILE! MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!" She screamed, waving her  
>arms frantically just as a 'pfft' sound could be heard.

Joel: [Guile] Eh, no worries. Chun-Li's been carpet bombing  
me all day.

Crow: [Chun-Li] Eh, you love it, you know you do.

 

>Guile barely had time to leap into safety as the bullet whizzed past  
>him, imbedding itself onto the wall behind him. 

Tom: [Guile] You could've TOLD us you didn't have insurance!

Joel: [Cammy] Oopsie.

 

>Spinning around in alarm, Chun Li the nurse holding a smoking  
>semi-automatic pistol in her hands, her eyes staring blankly at the  
>recovering Guile.

Tom: Wait, the nurse is also named Chun-Li?

Crow: Apparently the nurse assassinated the verb.

 

>Chun Li had no time to react before the 'nurse' fired a few more shots  
>at Guile. He managed to dodge the first few before one struck his ankle.

Joel: [Nurse] I like to start at the bottom and work my way up.

 

>"GAHH!" The airman yelled in pain as he landed on the ground heavily,  
>his face displaying the pain he was feeling. 

Crow: [Guile] MEDIC!

Tom: [Nurse] At your service! *bang*

Crow: [Guile] GAHH! 

 

>Blood began to ooze out of his wound as he desperately crutch  
>his ankle to stop the bleeding.

Joel: At least he's in the right place to get medical supplies.

Tom: [Nurse] Who needs a fresh box of band-aids? *bang*

 

>"Secondary target: William Guile. Expendable, termination in progress."  
>The nurse droned as she aimed her pistol at the fallen airman.

Crow: [Chun-Li] Your name is Billy? Aww!

 

>The Interpol agent tackled the 'nurse' , sending both women sprawling  
>onto the ground. She managed to smack the pistol off before a powerful  
>hand gripped her throat. Shock, she furiously clawed at the hand to  
>release her, to no avail.

Joel: [Chun-Li] First do no harm!!

Tom: Shock, I didn't know there were Wallmasters in this story.

 

>Slowly, the 'nurse' stood up, pulling the thrashing Chun Li up with her.  
>Staring squarely at the desperate eyes of the Chinese woman, she said,

Crow: [Nurse] A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR HELPS THE MEDICINE GO DOWN. 

 

>"Main target apprehended. Returning to base immediately."  
>  
>Suddenly, she gave a quick lightning jab to the Chinese woman's face  
>with such force that she was unconscious when the blow struck her. 

Tom: Oh, what is this? Tekken now?

Crow: [Nurse] K.O!

Tom: Dammit, I was kidding!

 

>The 'nurse' slung a limp Chun Li over her shoulder just as Guile  
>swung his fist weakly at her while his other hand covering his ankle.

Crow: That makes for an awkward yet hilarious visual.

 

>Guile stared disbelief when his fist connected nothing. /It's  
>almost…uncanny! Almost as if she just teleported!/ 

Joel: Almost as if the writer was playing 'Marvel Vs. Capcom'  
before writing this fanfic!

Tom: Guile, you create balls of energy with your FISTS. Is  
teleportation REALLY that much more of a stretch?

 

>Just then, he felt pressure being applied at the back of his neck and  
>the world when black.

Tom: So the entire world goes dark when Guile gets a massage?

Crow: Richard help us if he gets a happy ending.

 

>Cammy could only be the helpless spectator as she watched the Doll  
>took down her friends with ease. 

Crow: [Cammy] Hmph! Last time I bet on my friends. You  
just cost me ten grand, LOSERS!

Joel: [Cammy] I'd help you but the happy juice is kickin'....in.....  
ahhhhhh.

 

>/Unbelievable! What had Bison been doing to them these past months? /

Tom: I'm gonna guess a steady diet of energy drinks, PCP and Mentos.

 

>She then realized that the Doll was standing beside her bed.  
>  
>The Doll ripped off the surgeon mask, allowing Cammy to  
>recognize the face behind. "Fevrier!" Cammy cried out in disbelief. 

Joel: Which one was Fevrier again?

Crow: Uh... the one that killed that one person in prologue... one?

Joel: Oh yeah. Thanks.

 

>The last time she saw this Doll in action, she wasn't able to move  
>this fast. 

Tom: [Cammy] I remember when she could barely turn her  
head, what idiot gave her 70 points of articulation!?

Crow: These dolls didn't come from no cabbage patch.

 

>It appeared that her theory that the Psycho Power was getting  
>stronger is true.

Tom: Her theory about Puppy Power was still pending though.

 

>The Doll looked at Cammy with a faint smile, something Cammy felt  
>strange and…unsettling. 

Joel: [Doll] BURP ME.

 

>"You served no purpose to Lord Bison, yet he didn't order your  
>execution. Be thankful for being able to live another day."

Crow: How about Chief Buffalo? What's his opinion of Cammy?

 

>Cammy had no time to ponder over the abnormal behaviour of the Doll  
>nor the weird message before Fevrier's fist enveloped her vision.

Tom: [Cammy] *sniff sniff* Is that Chanel No. 5? Wo-a-a-h...  
guesssss nottt... *thump*...

 

>Chapter 5: Revelations

Joel: Revelation... exaltation... transubstantiation!!

Crow: Inebriation.

Tom: ((imitates choirs of angels))

 

>/It's too bright. /

Crow: I walked towards the light and now I'm BLIND!  
Screw you, Carol Ann!

 

>That was the first thing Chun Li thought as she felt her consciousness  
>creeped back steadily into her mind.  
>  
>Slowly and cautiously, the Chinese Interpol agent opened her beady eyes.

Joel: She woke up as Yi Fu, Chinese laundress.

Crow: [Chun-Li] You no bring laundry ticket, WE NO HAVE  
SERVICE! BYE-BYE!!

 

>At first everything seemed to be covered by a dense fog, rendering her  
>nearly blind to her surroundings. However, the fog began to lift in a  
>few seconds and Chun Li took the time to take in her current situation.

Joel: She was deep in a thicket of Guile's hair. The smell of  
gunpowder and Axe made her want to retch.

 

>She found herself laying on her stomach on a hard concrete floor, no  
>doubts giving her aches and cramps later. 

Crow: Street fighting, no sweat. Lying on the floor, cramp city.

Tom: Just like a giiiiirl. Cramps and wimpiness.

 

>The room she was in was pretty bare, save for a wooden chair which  
>had seen better days and a rusting vent on the ceiling.

Tom: Let's play a game... See, there's laser  
sharks and ballistic water buffalo coming through the vent in three  
seconds. You must first buy apack of mints, using a circular saw  
blade as a unicycle. Then...

 

>Chun Li wasn't claustrophobic, but being ringed by 4 peculiarly  
>well-scrubbed walls (considering the condition of the sparse amount of  
>objects in this room) gave her this sense of oppression and slight  
>giddiness. 

Joel: Chun-Li, wanting a shower, resigns herself to rubbing against  
the walls.

Crow: [Chun-Li] Wow, this is the cleanest sex dungeon I've ever  
seen! *sniff sniff* And lemony fresh too!

 

>With arms feeling as unstable as jelly, Chun Li pushed herself off  
>the dusty floor.

Tom: So the walls are well-scrubbed yet the floor is dusty?  
Someone needs to fire their maid.

 

>"Oh look, she got up."  
>  
>"About time, I'm getting bored just staring at Sleeping Beauty."

Crow: [Waldorf] Still better than just staring at Snow White.

Tom: [Statler] Why's that?

Crow: [Waldorf] Cause then we'd be Sleepy, Grumpy, Dopey...

 

>Startled, Chun Li quickly glanced behind her, trying to locate the  
>source of the voices. 

Joel: Oh, shoot! We've been made! Quick, duck down, everyone!

(Joel and the bots disappear behind their seats for a few seconds.)

Tom: Joel, is the coast clear?

(Joel's head slowly peers over his seat)

 

>She didn't sense any other presences in the room other than herself, 

Joel: Yeah, I think we're okay. She didn't see us.

Crow: Whew, that was close!

(Joel and the bots resume sitting in their seats)

 

>so when someone suddenly spoke up, her heart nearly  
>jumped to her throat.

Crow: [Heart] GAHHH!!! Open your mouth, I want out!  
I WANT OUT!!!

 

>Behind her were 2 Dolls (she could tell because of their iconic  
>uniforms,

Tom: And if you tickle them, they'll fuck you up.

 

>but she couldn't remember who they were specifically), 

Joel: Yeah, join the club, lady.

Tom: Best bet? Go by the hair color.

Crow: Their uniforms are so short, you have two colors  
to choose from.

 

>both of them leaning causally against the wall. One of them  
>had short orange hair while her slightly taller counterpart was  
>a brunette with her hair tied to a bun. 

Joel: Okay, you've got their hair colors, who are they?

Tom: Uhhhh, Fanta and Coke? Sunkist and RC? No wait,  
Crush and Pepsi! 

Joel: Just forget it.

 

>They were staring at her with an amused and inquisitive look on  
>their pale face.

Tom: [Juni] We both have a bet... does Guile use gel, or shellac?

Crow: [Chun-Li] F-Finger in the nearest electric socket... every  
ten minutes or so...

 

>Staring back at the 2 Dolls, Chun Li felt a wave of unease swept over  
>her, felt fear twisting her stomach into an unpleasant knot. Part of  
>this was because she knew that whenever there are Dolls, Bison is  
>involved or /very /close by. 

Joel: Well, to be fair, it could just as easily be Dark Helmet.

Crow and Tom: [Dolls] Oooh, his helmet is SO BIG...

 

>Seeing the predicament she was in, it was probably the latter. Which  
>means she was most likely in the base of Shadoloo. 

Crow: It's actually *Shadaloo*, but I'll take Shadoloo over  
Shadolaw any day.

 

>Chun Li couldn't decide whether to be overjoyed or anguished.

Tom: If it's Michael Bay, just make sure the boobs are front-and-center  
on the shot, face be damned. 

 

>The other part of was the strange behaviour of those Dolls. Not to say  
>that the Dolls' behaviour were normal; they would speak and act like  
>mindless robots, only listening and doing what their master command  
>them to do. 

Joel: She'd be more freaked out if they renacted that interpretive  
dance scene with Bison from 'Romy and Michele's High School Reunion'.

Crow: But not by much.

 

>Yet, these Dolls…Their behaviour was akin to how normal people's  
>behaviour. From her past experience, she had never seen a Doll act  
>like this before. 

Joel: [Doll] Hell is empty and all the devils are here...

Crow: [Doll] If I be waspish, best beware my sting...

Tom: [Doll] THERE... ARE... FOUR... LIGHTS!!!

(Crow and Joel stare at Tom)

Tom: What?

 

>It was indeed unsettling.

Crow: Yeah, give those dolls a freaking Tony Award, already.

 

>The 2 Dolls approached her silently, with malicious smiles pasted on  
>their face, their eyes however remained that identical to a dead fish.

Joel: But it wasn't until they started wiggling about while  
singing 'Take Me To The River' that Chun-Li knew REAL fear.

 

>Chun Li stood on her wobbly legs, her body swaying unconsciously. 

Tom: Aww crap, they turned on Daft Punk, she can't stop  
ironically dancing!

 

>She raised her arms half-heartedly in a defence stance, knowing she  
>wouldn't stand a chance against Bison's elite assassins, yet that  
>doesn't mean she wasn't going down without a fight.

Joel: [Chun-Li] Just make it quick and bury me not on the  
lone prairie.

 

>The shorter one reached her first, stretching out her hand to Chun Li's  
>face, as though attempting to stroke her cheek. Chun Li reeled back her  
>face with disgust, before viciously swinging her fist towards to the Doll.

Crow: [Chun-Li] At least buy me flowers first!

 

>Her fist struck nothing but thin air.

Tom: And because of her wild swing, Hong Kong was soon wiped  
out by a typhoon... that's how chaos theory works, right?

 

>Chun Li felt the familiar sense of /déjà vu /she stared in awe and shock  
>at her fist, which she stubbornly held in place. 

Crow: [Chun-Li] My fist... is AWESOME! It's too good for  
your lousy chin!

 

>Tilting her head to the right, she saw the taller Doll giggling like a  
>schoolgirl, her hand placed tentatively on her mouth. 

Joel: Wait, is that... Karin Kanzuki!? When the hell did Bison  
brainwash her!?

Tom: Do you REALLY want a Prologue 3?

Joel: Point taken.

 

>Chun Li could only stared dumbly at the laughing Doll, her mind  
>unable to process the wealth of questions entering her feverish  
>head: 

Crow: [Chun-Li] Where does my cat go all day when I'm at work?  
Does all purple taste like grape, or is there some plum around?  
Where did that whale and bowl of petunias come from?

Tom: [Chun-Li, thinking] Where's the Tylenol?

 

>/Where am I? Am I in Shadoloo Headquarter? Are Cammy and  
>Guile alright? >Why are the Dolls acting this way? How did  
>they become more powerful?/

Tom: [Chun-Li] Does Shadaloo validate parking?

Joel: [Chun-Li] And why am I still holding my own  
fist? Let... Let GO! *smack* There!

 

>Unfortunately, her questions were remained renounced 

Crow: Moments later, Merriam and Webster could be  
heard rolling in their graves.

 

>as she heard a mocking voice taunted her from behind:  
>"Too /slow." /

Joel: No no, it's "Gimmie five", "on the side", "down low",  
THEN "too slow".

Tom: Teaching Chun the cool kids handshake was going to take  
all night.

 

>Without warning, Chun Li felt the sharp daggers of pain stabbed her  
>back, causing her to collapse on the ground, writhing in pain.

Crow: [Chun-Li] Et tu, Brute?

 

>The 2 Dolls squatted beside her violently twitching body, eyeing at  
>her with morbid curiosity just like a sadistic child scrutinizing a  
>dissected frog in his biology class. 

Joel: Why am I suddenly envisioning Beavis and Butthead?

Tom: Reveal your secrets, Kermit! *poke poke* REVEAL  
THEM, DAMN YOU!!!

 

>The taller Doll poked Chun Li's ribs with her finger, chuckling,  
>"Look at you, all high and mighty in bringing down Lord Bison,  
>yet being defeated by those who are inferior to him. Ah, how  
>the mighty has fallen."

Crow: [Chun-Li] Give me nine prologues to train and you'd be  
singing a different tune, sister. 

 

>Suddenly, an unseen speaker crackled to life, and a voice that Chun Li  
>loathed with her life and would remember till the day she die, spoke.

Tom: [Kanye West] My greatest pain in life is that I will never  
be able to see myself perform live.

 

>"Juni, Juli. We don't want to ruffle up our guest too much now,  
>do we?"

Crow: [Voice] Just Lay's Herr's on the ground and we'll Kettle  
the score soon enough.

Tom: [Juni] Very Wise of you, sir.

Crow: [Juli] Ooh, I'm Pringling with anticipation!

Joel: These puns are nacho best. 

 

>"Negative, sir." The 2 Dolls replied in union, immediately straightening  
>up and standing stiffly and smartly like a soldier, all hints of emotion  
>wiped completely from their faces.

Joel and Tom: [Dolls, Together] Anna Kournikova Mode: Activated.

Crow: [Spock] Fascinating.

 

>"Very good. Please take our guest to the throne room. I'm sure we need  
>to get re-acquaintance again after so long, hmm?"

Crow and Tom: [Dolls, singing] Be our guest! Be our guest! Put  
our magi....

Joel: [Bison] Now cut that out!

 

>"Of course, sir." Both Dolls chimed at the same time, bending  
>down to hoist the Interpol agent up by grabbing under her armpit.

Joel: They couldn't resist the urge to make a little music.

Crow and Tom: [Dolls, singing] It's the PITS! It's the PITS!

Joel: [Bison] OK, seriously now, stop it!

 

>Chun Li was again shocked by the sudden switch in the Dolls' behaviour,  
>changing back to their 'normal' mood. 

Crow: There's Bison in the corner, fiddling with his iPhone, then  
Chun-Li connects the dots.

Joel: [Chun-Li] iDolls? So THIS is 7!?

Tom: [Randy Marsh] Woo-hoo... all right! I love the future!

 

>But those questions were pushed aside by the fear and anger she  
>harboured against the infamous dictator.

Joel: Benito Mussolini?

Crow: Joseph Stalin?

Tom: Pee Wee Herman?

Joel: Hey, respect the suit.

 

>/Oh, we are going to get re-acquaintance and get along real fine  
>with each other, once I sink my fist into your putrid face./

Crow: Assuming he's into that.

Tom: Not much of a challenge to beat up on the crippled girl  
there, Bison.

Joel: [Bison] I prefer easy mode whenever it's offered.

 

>Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tom: All these X's and we still have yet to see Ron Jeremy.

Crow: Good.

 

>After being dragged by the 2 Dolls unceremoniously through a  
>dim-lighted hallway, the trio reached a set of metal doors. 

Joel: Wait, did we just switch to a Madonna video?

Tom: Video? This happens to Madonna at least three  
times a week.

 

>Before they could enter, however, a blood-curling scream  
>emitted behind the doors.

Crow: Oh Lord, they must be taping new episodes of  
'Fuller House' in there.

 

>Chun Li's first reaction was to burst through the doors to save the  
>unfortunate soul, but she was restrained by the iron grips of Juni  
>and Juli. 

Crow: [Chun-Li] Never a bloody lifeguard around when  
you need one!

 

>Juli seemingly took her time to open the doors, the increased  
>suspense and fear were gnawing Chun Li's stomach. 

Joel: And behind the door... Doofie from 'Scary Movie' 1!

 

>When the doors finally flew open to reveal what's inside,  
>Chun Li felt her bilge threatening to escape her throat.

Tom: [Rod Roddy] It's a brand new CAMMY!

All: (start humming the Price is Right music)

 

>Rolling indolently on the luxurious red carpet covering the entire  
>floor of the room, was the head of a man with a petrified look  
>etched on his face, blood spurting from the stump where his neck was.

Tom: That's where the product testers from Kellogg's feed their  
victims... err, volunteers new flavors of cereal.

Joel: Sugar-frosted Knives.... no.

Crow: Ah, they're giving them the *Special* K.

 

>Nearby, a decapitated body laid lifelessly. From the clothes on it,  
>Chun Li assumed that the man was probably one of the lowly goons  
>Bison has who he considered 'expendable'.

Joel: Nah, that was just the pizza guy. He didn't have proper  
change... for the LAST time.

 

>Standing in the middle of the room, a Japanese Doll stood with her legs  
>apart, her hands in the air, gripping a bloody katanna, giving one a  
>sense that she was doing so elaborate pose. 

Crow: It's new Seppuku Barbie! You can help her restore Ken's  
family honor!

Tom: Nothing will restore Ken's family's honor if he has a GIRL  
fighting for him. 

Joel: [Bison] Hey, that's sexist! I always have girls fighting  
for me!

 

>Blood from the katanna dripped onto her face, yet that didn't  
>fazed her satisfied grin on her face one bit.

Joel: [Bison] Don't mind her, she's just prologue #14. Wait  
until Book 2 for that.

Tom: [Chun-Li] NOOOOOOO!!

 

>But Chun Li's attention was switched to the person behind her. 

Crow: [Chun-Li] You're using T-Mobile? Those data rates will  
bankrupt you, man! Switch to Sprint... now!

 

>Standing majestically like a great evil god, his sturdy arms  
>crossed over his broad chest, his mouth stretched to a death  
>grin, his soulless eyes filled with nothing but pure malice.

Crow: Wait, if his eyes are souless then how the hell can  
they be filled with malice?

Tom: Artistic license or lethargy? You make the call!

 

>"Bison." Chun Li whispered through gritted teeth.  
>  
>The man in question stride with a sense of arrogance down the  
>stairs from the platform he was standing. Kicking aside the  
>bodiless head which was in his path with the same amount of  
>attention to an annoying fly buzzing around his head, 's gigantic  
>frame loomed over the smaller women.

Crow: Why, he was so gigantic, he cast a Shadoloo over the  
smaller women!

Joel and Tom: *groans*

 

>"Agent Chun Li. It has been quite some time we have last met. I  
>apologized for this small…incident here. I just can't stand my  
>subordinates' incompetence and failures sometimes. 

Crow: [Chun-Li] Funny, you seem quite tolerant of your  
own. By the way, CEILING any better since we last met?

Joel: [Bison] Hey, shut up!

Tom: [Chun-Li] Ooh, burn! And speaking of BURN...

 

>Satsuki, if you would."  
>  
>The Japanese Doll gave a quick bow before dragging the  
>corpse's by its leg and gripping the head under her arm and  
>leaving the Throne room wordlessly.

Crow: [Satsuki, thinking] Buck up, girl, just thirty more  
decapatations and you can retire.

 

>"Look, if you want to continue to gloat at your 'victory' over me  
>and for me having failed to kill you, I suggest you just kill me  
>immediately." Chun Li retaliated. 

Joel: "Kill me", she retaliates... she needs lessons in  
negotiation.

 

>Even though she put on a defiant front, her heart was relentlessly  
>thumping against her chest from the fear she was feeling. Despite  
>facing against the dictator countless times, she could never get  
>rid of her phobia of him

Tom: Every single December... anyone in a red suit, she  
screamed like a Banshee and hid under the nearest tree.

Crow: The poor mall Santa's ears were ringing for days...

 

>The dictator chuckled heartily. His body shaking with each  
>chuckle he made, as if Chun LI had told him a joke. 

Joel: Like a bowl full of jelly?

Tom: Bison is a right jolly old dictator.

 

>"Kill you? Why would I do that? Death will end your  
>nightmare swiftly and too soon, something I wouldn't allow  
>for all the troubles you gave me. 

Crow: [Bison] We've got to pad out the plot somehow. I'm  
not kissing you and there's only one other option.

 

>Secondly, why waste such a perfect body? Granted, it is  
>pathetically weak compared to mine, but are you not proclaimed  
>to be the strongest woman in the world?"

Tom: [Chun-Li] Holy crap, you're right! I completely  
forgot! Juli and Juni shouldn't be able to restrain me at all!  
HYAAHHHH!!!

Joel: [Bison] Ah, crap.

Crow: Not stronger than TWO women though.

Tom: [Chun-Li] Oh drat.

 

>"What are you getting at?" Chun Li's felt the cold stone of fear  
>gradually getting heavier every second.

Joel: She should pass that stone already.

 

>"Are you that ignorant? I would like you to join the ranks of one  
>of the top officials in Shadoloo."

Crow: As a top official, you won't be decapatated if you  
fail me.

Tom: [Chun-Li] Whew, that's a relief.

Crow: Instead, you'll be transferred to Detroit.

Tom: [Chun-Li] NOOOOOOO!!!

 

>There was silence for a few seconds before Chun Li burst out  
>laughing, causing Bison's smile to falter.  
>  
>"Me? Join you? You must be loony to think of such things! I  
>wouldn't join force with you! Not even a million years! You  
>can't force me!"

Joel: [Bison] We've got dental...

Tom: [Chun-Li] Never!

Joel: [Bison] Company car? First six months, I'll comp gas.

Tom: [Chun-Li] NEVER!

Joel: [Bison] How about five bucks, a bag of doughnuts,  
and a butterscotch enema?

Tom: [Chun-Li] What flavor doughnuts?

Joel: [Bison] Umm... shoot, all we have left is Coconut.

Tom: [Chun-Li] NEVERRRRRR!!!

 

>"That wasn't a request. It was an order." Bison leaned forward  
>until both long-time nemesis's nose almost touched each other. 

Crow: How come I'm expecting Neil Diamond to sing "Sweet  
Caroline" in the next three milliseconds?

 

>"You can ask them," he gestured at the 2 Dolls behind her. "They  
>didn't ask for this, but thanks to my charming nature, I persuaded  
>them successfully." The shark-teeth grin returned on Bison's face.  
>"Care to know how?"

Tom: [Chun-Li] Immoral brain washing techniques on  
underaged teenage girls because you're incapable of inspiring  
loyality from any actual soldiers?

Crow: [Bison] *AHEM*! Moving right along...

 

>Chun LI felt the world went cold all of a sudden.

Joel: [Chun-Li] Oh, is it the day after tomorrow already?

 

>"You wouldn't…" She stammered, a lump in her throat  
>  
>"It wouldn't hurt." Juni comforted.  
>  
>"You couldn't…"  
>  
>"Come on, it wasn't that bad…" Juli cooed

Crow: [Juni] It's high time you had a complete...

Tom and Crow: [Juni and Juli] MAKEOVER!!!

Tom: And... cue the montage.

 

>"NO! I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU DO IT!" Chun Li  
>cried out in anger as she struggled desperately like a beast  
>caught in a trap. But the combined hold of the 2 Dolls proved  
>that such attempt to escape was fruitless.

Crow: Again, STRONGEST woman in the world.

Joel: [Chun-Li] Damn, they've got me in a contrivance  
clutch! Now I can't escape their grasp no matter how  
implausible!

Tom: All I'm saying is that Ronda Rousey would've had  
both of them on the floor by now...

 

>Bison watched the scene unfold before him, savouring the very  
>moment of it.

Crow: *flash*

Joel: [Bison] Just upload this to my Facebook page... ooh,  
3 likes already!

Tom: [Chun-Li] Your like doesn't count, Bison!

Joel: [Bison] And... blocked.

 

>"I see you realised what I'm getting at. With the untimely  
>departure of Killer Bee, there is a vacancy for the leader  
>position in my Doll unit.

Crow: What about Killer Moth? Or Killer Croc?

Tom: Hell, I'd settle for Killer Tomato.

 

>And who other than you can be the perfect replacement."

Tom: [Chun-Li] Well, considering the teenage killer  
motif you've got going... Sakura? Ibuki? Makoto? Elena...?

Joel: [Bison] Hey, come on, it's only chapter five!  
Give me some time, willya!?

Tom: Actually... this was the last chapter. Guess the author  
ran out of fanfic.

Crow: WHAT!? When was the last time it was updated?

Tom: Oh, about 12 months and a... D'OH!

Joel: Boy, good thing we didn't waste our time reading all  
those prologues or anything...

Crow: (sobbing) Son of a bitch! Joel, I need a drink!

Joel: Yeah, I think we've all earned one. Come on, Tom...

Tom: (growling) Nnnnnnnngh... nnnnnnngh ...!!

(Joel picks up Tom and hurriedly follows Crow out of the theater)

 

* * *

 

SATELLITE OF LOVE

Joel and the bots relaxed in lawn chairs around the bridge. They  
had originally planned to go back to the party and have a quiet drink  
but upon walking in on Gypsy doing Kareoke with Richard Baseheart,  
they decided not to spoil her fun and relax elsewhere. Fortunately,  
Crow had procured a small bottle of rum for just such an occasion.

"So, besides brainwashing Chun-Li into yet another doll for his  
private army, what do you think Bison's plan was going to be?" Crow  
inquired.

"Take over the world via a Street Fighting tournament? Just  
throwing a wild guess out there..." Tom muttered.

"Say guys, what do you think Season Six has in store for us?"  
Joel suddenly asked.

"Yikes, are you drunk enough to break the fourth wall already?  
Talk about a lightweight." Crow chuckled

"Shouldn't Mike Nelson have replaced you as host by now? Not  
that we want you to leave or anything..." Tom quickly added.

"Nope, different universe. I'm here to stay from the looks of it.  
Besides, for all our griping, I can't imagine anywhere else I'd want  
to be than with the two of you, right here, right now, my two best  
friends in the world..." Joel said with a warm smile.

"Yep, definately hammered." Crow nodded. "Come on, Joel, let's  
get you to bed."

Tom and Crow helped Joel to his feet and let him drap his arms  
over their bodies as they helped him walk unsteadily to his room.

"No, seriously, guys, I love you... And I can't wait till we  
all graduate..." Joel moaned.

"Whatever you say, Rummy." Tom replied, amused before  
whispering to Crow. "After we put him to bed, we're gonna  
draw all over his face, right?"

"Hell yeah." Crow replied with an evil chuckle. Just then  
Magic Voice crackled over the bridge speakers.

"Joel Robinson passing out drunk in five... four... three...  
Joel passing out drunk now."

"W-WAIT!! OOOF!! Dammit, why do humans have to be so lumpy!  
Not to mention, HEAVY! Get him off me, Tom!" Crow groaned.

"Uh, how? My arms don't work!" Tom replied.

"Oh, poopie."

 

* * *

 

DEEP 13

The ominous quiet of the currently vacant laboratory was rudely  
broken by Frank leaping in from off-camera with a loud battle cry, a  
set of gauntlets on his hands resembling swiss army knifes with all  
the attachments out. 

"Prepare to di... huh? Wait, where did Torgo go? Where  
did... aw, fudge." Frank pouted as he lowered his hands, his  
gauntlets slipping off to hit the floor with a loud clanging  
noise. Then he looked over at the still uneaten bowls of candy  
and shrugged.

"Eh, I'll live and let the dead live for now." Frank muttered  
to himself as he rushed over to his precious leftover candy and began  
separating it into various catagories. He then grabbed a handful of  
candy before looking up and tossed it at the viewscreen.

"Happy Halloween, everybody!" he exclaimed before tossing  
a popcorn ball at the button.

*FWOOSH!*

 

..AND THE MSTINGS  
CONTINUE...

 

We hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome.  
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

Follow us on Twitter at (@MSTerMegane67) (@ZoogzMST)

Read our Blog at http://mstings.blogspot.ca/

You can also find our Let's Plays of AGS Adventure Games  
'The Medical Theories of Dr. Kur', 'Witch Night' and coming soon,  
our Let's Play of 'Les Manley: Search for the King', along with a few  
other videos at:

https://www.youtube.com/user/MSTerMegane67 

I've been MSTing for almost twenty years now and I want to  
thank each and every person who's send me words of support and  
encouragement and who have helped me with my MSTs over the  
years. I treasure every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider  
it a great honour that some people have dedicated their MSTings to  
me and tell me that I helped encourage them to start MSTing. To  
all of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope I  
can continue to inspire and make you laugh for a long time to  
come. :)

I'd like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who's in-depth C&C  
and riffs for this MSTing are always appreciated and for making  
the MSTing process so much fun! :)

\- Zoogz's 'Mystery Science Cinema' series can be found at  
http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/  
including his latest MSTings:

\- 'Help Wanted' (Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2)  
And  
\- '[None Yet Suggestions Welcome in Reviews!]' (Sailor Moon)

Other recent MSTings we've done:  
http://www.nabiki.com/mst/recent/

\- 'A Date with Fate' (Sailor Moon Lemon)  
\- 'Two Worlds: Discovering Good Hearts' (Ranma 1/2)  
\- 'Wife or Kid' w/short 'Lunch Time' (Urusei Yatsura/WWF)  
(Sailor Moon)  
\- 'The Adventures of Captain Yaten' (Sailor Moon)  
\- 'Finding Your Place' (Rurouni Kenshin)  
\- 'Loki Unties The Wolf' (Utena)  
\- 'The Life I Left Behind' (Multi Crossover)  
\- 'Eye of the Tiger' (Neon Genesis Evangelion / Xenogears)  
\- 'Wild Senshi' Pt. 1-2 (Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2 /  
Yu-Gi-Oh Lemon)  
\- 'My Kid's An Alien!' Pt. 1-3 (Urusei Yatsura)  
\- 'The Light of my Hopes' Pt. 1-4 (Multi Crossover)

 

***All of Zoogz and my MSTings and the MSTings we've  
contributed to can be found in the various categories at:***

'A MSTing for All Seasons'  
http://www.nabiki.com/mst

'The MSTing Mine'  
http://www.keithpalmer.ca/msting-mine/

'Everything What Is Crap!'  
http://svamcentral.org/ewic/

 

>"Chun Li looked back down at the pit of hell, a look of defiant  
>in her face.  
>  
>"Oh, just die already, you freak." She whispered solemnly. "

 

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and  
situations are trademarks of and (c) 2017 by Best Brains,  
Inc. All rights reserved.

 

Keep Circulating the Fanfics...


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